Saturday, January 25, 2014

YOU'RE NEXT (2011)

If you insist on wasting your time watching this unoriginal clunker do yourself a favor and immediately skip to chapter 4 on the blu-ray. That'll be the 22:50 mark.  The only thing that happens before that point is two dorks in a neighbor's house get killed off-camera and then at the main house some family members gather and talk for nearly 20 minutes about random stuff.  Finally everybody arrives and they sit down for dinner...when an arrow shoots through the window and kills a hipster.  Other arrows follow.  Is it a band of time-traveling Native American Indians on the warpath?  No, just some dorks in dollar store masks that like to tilt their heads when they kill somebody.  The cell phones have been jammed, nobody has a gun, this huge mansion doesn't have a security system and I guess the internet hasn't been invented yet so there's no way to get help.  Logic would tell you to keep together and assess the situation, but no, these champions immediately go into full panic mode and just run all over the place like chickens with their heads cut off until the weak twist ending that seems to be required in modern horror films. 

Zero nudity, blood that made me want to go eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...mmmmm strawberry, zero gore, inept killers, zero scares, dozens of tired horror movie cliches, killer under the bed (twice), HOME ALONE-style booby traps, orange blood, logic out the window, innocent mask head tilt, hipsters, running back into danger, seeing a booby trap and still somehow stepping into it, flashing light, cop shooting the wrong person, annoying music and quite possibly the most unstable camera of all time.  CLOVERFIELD looks like an Ozu movie compared to this seasick turkey.

I'm sure if you look hard enough there's some positives in YOU'RE NEXT, but I still can't see any reason why you should watch it.  My friend who brought this over to watch actually apologized after it was over...and he slept through half of it!