JUNIOR (1985)

[Update 04/04/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I saw this in the Horror Section at my local video store and with the chainsaw cover plus the reference to Freddy and Leatherface I can see why they put it there, but once I started watching it I quickly figured out this is not horror at all. It's more like a live action hillbilly version of a Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon. I'm serious!

The opening scene shows two 80's chicks with massive 80's hair and misshapen 80's bodies being released from prison. For hookerin', I guess. Two seconds after they walk out the gates, this pimp dude in a huge car tries to run them over on the sidewalk. He jumps out of the car slaps and punches the women around then pours a bag of coke on the hood of the car and starts slamming one of the chick's face into the coke!!! That's fucking awesome and easily the highlight of the movie, but unfortunately we still have 80 minutes left. So the chick stabs the pimp in the nose and then they steal his car and the pile of money he just happened to be in the car.

They end up in some small town and after the Sheriff threatens them John Rambo-style they decide to buy a half dilapidated building on a lake and make a sandwich stand out of it! That makes zero sense cause this building appears to be in the middle of nowhere and to make matters worse all of the locals are a bunch of inbred rapists.

So for the next 60+ minutes it's just one attempted rape or assault scene after the next. After awhile it becomes humorous, because these two chicks just keep going on about their business of fixing up the building even though they are constantly being attacked. It's silly.

Overall it's a terrible movie, but at the same time I laughed quite a bit, so it wasn't a total loss. If you do decide to watch this turd then you should at least have a drinking game...every time there's shot of one of the chick's asses or they get attacked then take a swig. You'll be fucked up quick!

THE LADY EVE (1941)

[Update 11/14/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

With so many great films under his belt it's hard to pick my favorite Preston Sturges film, but if I had to narrow it down to one I would choose THE LADY EVE. It's not as screwball as THE MIRACLE OF MORGAN'S CREEK or HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO, that's not to say there isn't plenty of laughs, but he thing that pushes it above his other films is the intelligence of the script and the impressive performances by the leads, especially Barbara Stanwyck.  She's great!  Not only does she play two completely different characters, but one of them is living a lie, so that adds an entirely new level to her performance.

In the opening scenes she plays a card shark who's out to ripoff the innocent and naive Henry Fonda, but even though it's not spoken you can tell just by looking at her eyes that she's quickly falling in love with him. Or is that part of her act? I used to think that, but the line she says at 11:38 indicates that she's thinking about him when he's old, so I believe that shows that she's already fallen in love with him.

Anyway, I'm just rambling. I don't want to give any more of the plot away than I already have, but just take my word for it: if you like classic cinema, especially screwball romances, then you're gonna love this movie! I give it my highest recommendation.  Maybe one day when I'm smarter I'll come back and write a real review.

THE HEADLESS EYES (1971)

I saw this sitting on the shelf at the video store and rented it without even reading the description on the back, I wanted it to be a surprised cause with a cover like that anything could happen! (Please, please, please be eyeball shaped aliens who come to Earth to attack hot blonds at a nudist colony! Please Satan let it be true!!!) And surprised I was cause this is a serial killer movie! The story opens with a dork breaking into a woman's bedroom late at night. The woman wakes up and understandably freaks the fuck out! The dude tries to calm her down, so she rewards him with a spoon to the eyeball!!!

Skip forward a few years and ol' boy has an eye patch and in the light of day looks surprisingly like Hannibal Lecter. He owns a small art store, but spends most of his time stalking and killing women in broad daylight. You'd think somebody would notice this creepy looking dude chasing chicks around while screaming stuff about how he's gonna rip out their eyes, but I guess not.

For a zero budget serial killer movie from 1971, THE HEADLESS EYES is actually not too bad, much better than a lot of the more recent serial killer movies I seen lately. I doubt this will ever make it to DVD, but if it does then it should at least deserve a rent.

THE VIDEO DEAD (1987)

Made for what looks like maybe a few thousand bucks, THE VIDEO DEAD is the story about some fucked up TV set that allows zombies to enter into the real world. The evil television is accidentally delivered to a random guy.  The zombies kill him off screen. Three months later, two 40-year-old teenagers move into the house and the zombies are still there!  Just hanging out in the woods behind the house.  The zombies kill a dog and then a few random people. Instead of calling the cops or somebody with a gun or better yet just getting the fuck out of there, the teenage boy goes looking for the zombies in the wooded area out back...he finds them. Some stuff happens back at the house to the sister. It's all very slow, the special effects and makeup are high school level, the acting is just people stiffly reciting lines, zero nudity, zero scares, slow pace.

I'm really now sure why this has such a cult following. I watched this with a few friends and other than a few scattered laughs, it wasn't a hit. If you're curious about it then check it out, it's not a horrible film just slow.