Poor ol’ Eric's just minding his own business, chillin' at the house, bangin'
his girlfriend when out of nowhere an evil real estate developer (who wants to
build a mall where Eric currently lives) burns down Eric’s crib right on top of
his face! What an butthole!!! But...Eric lives! A normal person would go to the
hospital, get some reconstructive surgery, then sue the shit out of the
developer and then live the rest of his life like a king...but no, not Eric.
Eric is a psychopathic moron, so instead he disappears for a year, to places unknown,
while they build a large shopping mall on top of his old homestead. After that,
he sets up shop in the bowels of the mall, lifts weights, learns kung-fu and
become really proficient at stuff like crossbows, forklift driving, security
cameras and training a snake to bite a guy in the dick. Then, in a stroke of
movie coincidence, his ex-girlfriend gets a job at the mall! Now Eric can stalk
her while at the same time killing the shit out of the people on his ever
growing Shit List. Wonder if her new boyfriend is on Eric’s list? Hum…I bet he
is.
As far as 1980’s horror movies goes, THE PHANTOM OF THE MALL cannot be taken
seriously, but it is a fun time waster. Cobra bite to the dick, crossbow fu,
forklift fu, zero gore, Ken Foree in a smaller role, mild nudity, one actress
who's mannerisms reminds me of Mia Farrow, good pace, hydraulic door to head fu,
Cort from
JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI, awesome 80’s fashions, cheap car chase in parking lot.
If you like horror movies and don't take it too serious then I think you'll have
a good time. Although I do wish the character of Eric had been more badass. He was kinda boring and whiny.
