FRANCIS JOINS THE WACS (1954)

As you remember, at the end of part 4, Francis was making out with a zebra in Central Park while Peter and his girlfriend watched. Well, as part 5 opens, all of that has been tossed out the window apparently. Peter and Francis are separated once again, the girlfriend is M.I.A. and now, big dummy Peter (who’s even dumber than ever) is working as a bank teller! Within a few seconds of us seeing Peter for the first time, he starts screaming inside the bank lobby and then accidentally sets off the alarm! Next thing you know, Peter has been re-enlisted into the military and somehow sent to an all-female camp. You would think that they’d toss him out on his unwanted dick, but nope, he’s put in charge of whipping the women into shape for an upcoming war game. So, where is Francis during all of this? Funny you should ask, because on Peter’s first night in camp, as he’s standing in his room holding up a bra while saying “Fancy earmuffs.” …Francis magically appears in the window! Shit doesn’t make any sense at all, but whatever. I’ll roll with it.

FRANCIS JOINS THE WACS is the silliest film of the series so far. But that's not saying much cause they're all dumb as fuck. One interesting thing we do learn in FJTWACS is that in Peter’s Official Military Personnel File (OMPF) it states that he’s already been committed into “neuro-psychiatric retention” 27 times! That's some "Howling Mad" Murdock numbers right there. And it explains a lot because Peter is totally unhinged in this installment. Dude can barely walk three feet without causing a ruckus. Another funny thing is the real-life voice of Francis is an actor named Chill Wills and he appears in this film as a general who bumps heads with Francis. So now you got scenes of a real-life actor arguing with himself in the form of his other character. That was cute.

If you're watching the series in order, then this installment is just more of the same shtick. Peter gets into all kinds of trouble because he's a moron, Francis saves his ass, nobody believes that Francis can talk, Francis talks, everybody loses their shit, the end. Three things I did like about FRANCIS JOINS THE WACS: there's more scenes of Francis doing things and out in public than usual; it had a good supporting cast (including Julie Adams, Mamie Van Doren and ZaSu Pitts) and finally, in the last scene Francis and Peter walk off together. I get really upset when they part ways. It's very depressing.

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)

UN CHIEN ANDALOU (1929)

Seven of thirteen dentists most likely agree that Hank Williams probably never released a song called “Look at My Butt.” Collecting injustices. Squirrel sign language. Not a chance, Small Ballz. Bok-Bok 3:16. I wish I hadn’t put that pine cone up my butt for Christmas. Researchers have determined that “The Lumberjack” song by Jackyl was not featured in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Yer butt is turning me on. He turned on the radio right as the announcer promised that “You’ll be eating so much gash, that you’ll be shitting squirt.” Those belong in the Smithsonian next to Corey Haim's table cloth trench coat. I talked to my grandma about this. Every time I look at the artwork for Heaven Can Wait, I think that he’s looking at his cellphone. Have you ever been kissed while in a reclining position? Dongerius Bueller's day off. Burping and thunderfarting like a werewolf.

Cousins who have hooked up with other cousins. Teen punk rock mystery novel set in an all-girl's prep school in 1985. Details involving your trip to the truck stop and your encounters with raccoons, aliens and diarrhea. Zombie attack on nudist camp. Is that Garfield shirt in regular rotation? Sven Thorneck the quattuordecsexual whaling museum curator. An orange 1986 Ford Escort. He makes up for it in the handsome taint department. Cornered by the police in a haunted house, Dymon needed to create a time machine so he drew a circle on the wooden floor with white chalk. It usually starts with polygamy. He only stinks during a full moon. Cellar door. Lol, ugh fuuuuuuckkkk it's sooo hot in Texas fuuuuuckkkk. I ate three bowls of Fiber One this morning and now I gotta go take a goddamn shit! I'm am a idiot. Music that isn't on Spotify. Waiting in line to die. The cyborg girl's pockets sagged with dead gopher meat. I want to see a serious Western about Freddy Krueger in the early 1800's.

Szilveszter Matuska's sexual desires. And my banana pants. Despite being 9 feet tall and half-extraterrestrial, nobody notices and he becomes a detective and part-time movie critic for a local newspaper. Yup the whole mountain village can see you take a krumpus. By the time they reached the Waffle House, a few crucial pieces of Catherine's innards were missing.  A demon-possessed pothole that can move at will and kills people. Odd religious sects. Have DoorDash deliver yo last meal to the cemetery. Nothing fails like prayer. I don't have one single follower for my Prowler In the Yard vs. Twenty One Pilots playlist. Polar bears engulfed in flames. I know what the human centipede did last summer. Haunt me. It was all lies. The door remains shut.