FIRST CONTACT (2023)

The closing shot should have been in the opening scene of the movie.

An old nerd is messing around at his country estate on some kind of scientific contraption.  Shit happens and aliens start showing up.  Very, very slowly showing up.  More crap happens and people get possessed and have either glowing blue eyes or glowing red eyes.  The ones with the blue eyes seem kinda chill, the ones with red eyes are here to bring a ruckus.  Unfortunately, Will Smith isn’t around to slap the shit out of them.  Lots of talking happens and a couple of people die, then a dude looks up to see a spacecraft about 0.00000000005% the size of my Depression filling the entire sky.  Fin.

I have a massive weakness for alien invasion stories, but, even with that proclivity in its corner, I was still disappointed in FIRST CONTACT.  The acting was okay and the look of the film was alright, the problem is with the script.  It’s a fucking snoozer.  If I had written this crap, I would have tossed it in the rubbish bin.  I’ve told my cat better stories than this.

Anyway, FIRST CONTACT is watchable and fun to make snarky commentary and sounds to, but as serious entertainment it’s just meh.  Okay pacing, boring story, mid-range camera work, zero tension, zero nudity, zero cheerleaders, a little blood, zero ninjas, boring dialogue, boring scenery.  Worth a watch if you're extremely bored.  Or extremely depressed.

HOLY SPIDER (2022)

"I did it all for God."

There is a serial killer, the “Spider Killer”, stalking the low-level prostitutes of Mashhad, Iran.  The police have little interest in finding the killer since all of his victims are considered to be unclean women and therefore looked upon as being less than human.  In fact, what the Spider Killer is doing is seen by the general population as a positive thing.  Enter female journalist Arezoo Rahimi who appears to be the luckiest news reporter in history because upon arriving Mashhad she, in a matter of days, somehow, in a city of over three and a half million people, locates this self-righteous lunatic.

HOLY SPIDER is an alright film.  The acting is above average, but the entire thing is just too light-weight and weak.  The story idea of a serial killer having free reign to do as he pleases in a large city that is being crushed down and oppressed by the religious government is fascinating and terrifying, but the film that ends up on the screen fails to relay any of that horror or conflict.  I wanted to see more of the inner workings of the city leaders who publicly act like they care, but secretly support the murderer cleansing their streets of women who dare to walk “on the streets of this holy city, chewing gum” and “wearing short coats”.  Instead, we get various random scenes of the monster hanging out with his family and friends who love him despite the fact that he has the personality of an iceberg.

HOLY SPIDER is a good film that creates a lot of food for thought, but it could have been much better.

AMITYVILLE IN SPACE (2022)

Fucking awful.  A priest confronts Satan at the Amityville house, which then, for some reason, blasts off into outer space.  Fast-forward to the year 3015 and a spaceship that is cruising around looking for “rogue black holes in space” comes across the Amityville Mojo Dojo Casa House still fully intact just leisurely floating around.  Three crew members board the mysterious house and find the priest alive and well.  Shit happens and I got more and more depressed that I was watching this Satanic bowel movement.

Slow pace, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, non-acting that bordered on people just reciting lines, beyond shit special effects, shit sets, the voice of the evil character so garbled that I could barely understand anything he said, zero cheerleaders, zero ninjas, a house supposedly floating in deep space in the year 3015 but you can see cars driving by outside the window, horrid lighting, disappointing ending, crap story.

Honestly, outside of making fun of this with your friends, there is no reason that you should watch this turd.  AMITYVILLE IN SPACE is not the worst thing ever made, but there are so many better things you can do with your time.

Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.