CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY (2023)

Sarah was raised Amish and now works in Chicago as a cookbook editor. She takes a trip back to her family farm to make a cookbook based on her family’s recipes. While there she learns that her dad has hired an outsider as a handyman. This attractive outsider, Dean, also happens to be a widower (due to his shitty driving skillz) and a “bestselling” artist / writer with writers block. I’m sure you can guess the rest. That’s right: Dean’s young daughter steals a joke from DUMB AND DUMBER.

I watched CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY due to my interest in PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING, but there’s really no comparing to two. Which in itself is fascinating because both films are soulless, but soulless in different ways! Honestly, I could talk about this film for hours. It’s fucking mind-blowing at just how nothing this movie is. Like every single aspect of the movie was completely void of personality or imagination. It was kinda awesome. As somebody who’s (handsome) brain is exploding with hundreds of novel-length stories daily, it was refreshing to sit down and watch something so dull. It’s like Valium for your brain!

Steady pace, nothing story, unrealistic dialogue, trite upbeat acting that had me rolling my gorgeous eyeballs non-stop, zero nudity, zero gore, extras waiting on the main actors, not one single song by the band Marty Buttworm, fake snow (and only placed around where the actors were standing), a Second Christmas on Dec. 26th, food illustrations a la The Great British Baking Show, a few outdoor scenes that looked like they were filmed on a green screen, very small cast. Does lemon juice really keep banana slices from turning brown??

I liked CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY and had a blast watching it. At one point I even smacked myself on the forehead with the palm of my hand. But I was a little confused by the lack of religion in this film. Very early in the film, our hero says, “Happy holidays” not “Merry Christmas”, so I was expecting that to be foreshadowing of some kind of coming to Christ bullshit later on, but…nope. Outside of one random Bible verse and a Nativity Story play, there’s very little mention of religion at all. Although, at the end of the movie Sarah does say “Merry Christmas.” Praise Jesus. Also, I was severely disappointed by the lack of shit-talking about city folk.

Meh, I have a bunch more to say, but nobody reads this shit.

PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING (2022)

New Yorker Dr. April Monroe has been dating Dr. Jesse Hardin for six months and yet she knows nothing about him. Ends up his big secret is he was raised Amish. And not only that, but Jesse is going to his little bro’s big fat Amish wedding this weekend and he wants April to come along! How romantic.

PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING was fascinating to me in many ways. First off, why was this movie even made? Is there an audience for films with literally zero ups or downs? Was it was extremely bland and predictable and safe on purpose? What is this sub-genre even called? What could the budget on something like this even be? Do they not care about people staring at the camera or glaring continuity errors? Is this some kind of niche (safe) movie genre for extremely depressed people? And most importantly: where can I find more films like this?!

PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING is not “so bad, it’s good”, it’s more like “so bland, it’s fucking impossible to turn away”. Pretty scenery, shockingly bland and predictable story, one dude with a confusing beard that I couldn’t tell if it was real or fake, multiple different levels of acting ability, a cute dog, a goat penis, good chemistry between the two leads, more than one person overacting (but maybe that was on purpose?), an almost bottomless well of reasons to yell at your TV (I had so much material that I had to watch the movie twice, just to get all my jokes in), nowhere near enough Amish stuff going on, a picture on a phone that doesn’t match at all with what was really taken (dude, even the wall's on the other side!).

But the one thing that drove me completely nuts and I could not get over was the info at the beginning of the movie where it said they’d been dating for “six months”, but yet April doesn’t know anything about Jesse. That shit drove me up the fucking wall. That info was 100% unneeded and literally fucked the entire story up, cause what the fuck have these motherfuckers been talking about for the last 182 days? Instead, have them meet at the beginning of the film and while they’re getting to know each other, the fact that he was raised Amish comes up. Keep it simple, stupid. Hell, you're already writing the most spiritless shit known to man so might as well water it down even more.

That said, I'm fucking hooked on this tripe and I need some more! And I'm not making any suggestions, buuuuut...Gay Plus One at an Amish Wedding does have a certain ring to it. Just sayin'. As does Fifth-Wave Feminist Hardcore Punk Singer Plus One at an Amish Wedding. Plus One at an Amish Human Centipide Wedding?

[Update 06/20/2025: Oh yeah, I forgot...there was a scene where April wakes up in the morning and immediately takes a drink of water out of an open glass. That icked me out! Like who knows what's been going on in that glass all night. Probably dust falling in it or spiders having a full-blown soup kitchen orgy, maybe a gnat launched a gturd up in there. Who knows!]