ANACONDA (1997)

A sweaty group of nerds take a boat down the Amazon River in order to make a documentary about a long-lost indigenous Amazonian tribe.  Along the way, they make the wise choice of picking up a hitchhiker. This dude immediately starts talking hella mad shit.  Then before you can ask “How the fuck has HBO still not discovered Robert McCammon?”, there’s a big ass computer-generated snake floating around eating people.

I remember seeing ANACONDA in the theater back in 1997 and being severely disappointed at how bland, weak and soulless it was. It hasn’t gotten any better with age.  Zero blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero tension.  Just a bunch of actors running around some crappy-looking boat collecting a paycheck.  The idea of a large killer snake hunting humans is ripe with entertaining possibilities, but none of them are present here.

For some misguided reason I thought it would be fun to revisit ANACONDA for a review. Maybe I was too young to enjoy it back in 1997?  Maybe it’d be fun to giggle at?  Nope. Instead, I just sat there dumbfounded that it was even worse than I remember it being. Shit script, Danny Trejo’s name in the opening credits even though he dies during the opening scene and only has around 1:22 minutes of screentime, bland colours, bland acting, bland cinematography, bland action scenes, bland special effects, bland dialogue…you know what?  Fuck this movie, fuck this review.  I’ve already wasted too much time on this stinky bowel movement. Watch it if you want, maybe you and your friends will get some laughs out of it. Just don’t expect a good movie.

[Note: As I was proofreading this review, I noticed that today is April 11 and ANACONDA was released 26 years ago today on April 11, 1997. Happy birthday, you boring piece of fuck.]

Part 2 - Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
Part 3 - Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)
Part 4 - Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)
Part 5 - Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)

FROG-G-G! (2004)

[Insert low effort Kermit the Frog joke here.]  Chemical waste gets into a town's water supply and before you can say "Caterpillar penis spelt backwards is 'fuck this movie.'", a lone dude in a plastic frog outfit that looks like it came from the motherfuckin' Dollar Store is prancing and hopping around and raping women with his invisible frog dick. It's fucking horrible.

The main question I kept asking myself while watching FROG-G-G! is "What's the point of this movie?!"  Like literally...why was it made?  I'm not trying to be a smart aleck or funny.  I honestly want to know!  There's almost no story; the 80-minute runtime is torturous; at least 70% of the movie is (unneeded) talking scenes; almost zero action; there's very little nudity (and none of it any good); the body count, if you can even call it that, is like...two; the named actors touted on the DVD box (Mary Woronov and James Duval) combine together for about 30 seconds of screentime; the script should have been lit on fire and then thrown off a balcony; I don't even want to talk about the "acting"; an underused "Goth girl"; dim lighting; annoying music; also...there's only one frog monster and he's a fucking pussy!  The giant frog from YAKUZA APOCALYPSE would have kicked this dude's invisible frog nuts up around his ears.  Hell, the frog that Din Grogu ate in The Mandalorian would have beat this guy's ass.

But, you know what's worse than all of that?  I own this motherfucker! What dark and twisted turns did my life take that I ended up the owner of a FROG-G-G! DVD?  Own it or not, it'll be a long time before I sit through this lily pad lickin', tadpole molesting, frogfuck piece of toadshit ever again.