ORCA (1977)

After an opening scene that is so laughable that it almost seems like a warning to walk away, we're introduced to a crotchety old boat captain who concocts a plan to capture a live male orca.  Of course, being a heartless idiot with a shitty boat, all he ends up doing is slaughtering a female orca and her baby.  The female's baby daddy witnesses the whole horrible ordeal (as do we) and proceeds to spend the rest of the movie tormenting the captain. The End.

Films like ORCA, help me appreciate JAWS even more than I already do.  If you think about it, the basic story for JAWS was pretty simple: one individual shark (who happens to be very large) starts feeding on humans near a quiet fishing village/tourist destination...the humans fight back.  Bam!  That's all you need.  Unfortunately, the people behind ORCA decided that it's be a good idea to add a deeper psychological aspect to the story...guess what?  Nobody cares!  Audiences want to see sharks, whales, alligators, giant hamsters, wookalars, whatever gnawing on people and people fighting back...NOT a pregnant whale being chopped up and hoisted out of the ocean as it's giving birth and then the newborn being murdered!!!  That whole scene was just terrible, I hated it.  I was definitely on the side of the whale after that!

Misguided story aside, ORCA is okay...for a lower budget 1970's ripoff flick.  The pace moves along quickly enough, but the whole thing just looked like a movie.  The majority of the shots of the whales either looked fake as fuck or like shots of whales in captivity.  Passable acting from a cast that is too good for this script, depressing beginning and ending, topless scuba diver, lame kills, questionable scenes early on of live sharks that might or might not have been animal cruelty.

I didn't hate ORCA, but I damn sure never want to see it again. If you need me, I just be in my room watching JAWS again or maybe even THE GREAT ALLIGATOR or THE LAST SHARK.

47 METERS DOWN (2017)

Two "meh"-looking sisters (who never even get close to naked) are vacationing in Mexico.  One of them is depressed about her boyfriend breaking up with her for being "boring", so in a severely misguided attempt to look more fun (and somehow win him back), they decide to go cage diving with sharks.  With decision making skills like that, I think I can see why her boyfriend broke up with her.

Anyway, these two tired-of-living motherfuckers find a rinky-dink cage diving operation and before you can say "shark pussy", the cable has broken and they're 47 meters down up in this bish.  So, now stuck in a cage at the bottom of the ocean and surrounded by sharks, you'd expect for the filmmakers to amp up the intense drama and have the sisters fighting over oxygen and/or maybe admitting that "By the way, I fucked your boyfriend.", but no...instead the viewer is treated to an hour of these two dead fucks talking about their feelings and occasionally swimming around outside the cage.  It's all very lame and uneventful.  I watched the entire movie, but found myself daydreaming about other stuff like "How come there's never been a really slow-paced alien invasion story?" or "Susie (my cat) is gorgeous."

Zero nudity, zero thrills, zero imagination, talking underwater despite your ears being outside of your mask (is that even possible?), very little action or blood, slow pace, stupid decision after stupid decision, bland acting, completely unbelievable underwater action.

47 METERS DOWN is an okay time-waster, that I never want to watch ever again.  Here's hoping that any reboots or sequels are set in a nudist colony.

Part 2 - 47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019)