THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF THE YIK YAK (1984)

Loosely (I'm guessing) based on the "Sweet Gwendoline" comic character of the late 1940's and modified to fit with the popularity of the Indiana Jones/ROMANCING THE STONE-style films of the 1980's, THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF THE YIK YAK is the story of a woman who ran off to China in search of her missing father.  There's also something about a mysterious butterfly, but none of that matters.  The only thing that matters is when the three main characters (an average-looking woman, a dude and the unbelievably sexy - in an 80's kind of way - Tawny Kitaen) arrive at the all-female society.  Everything before that is just filler.  Once they get to the all-female society though, it's wall-to-wall topless women, bondage gear and Tawny Kitaen topless...a lot.  Fuuuuck yeah!!!

Outside of Tawny Kitaen topless, I can't really recommend TPOGITLOTYY.  The humor is so bad that I didn't even realize that it was a comedy until I watched the extras and the director said it was a comedy(!!!), sets that look just like sets, uninspired camerawork, overacting by everybody, pointless story that has zero emotional attachment, tons of (poorly filmed) topless women, zero erotic moments, zero good action scenes and a fake as fuck looking alligator.

That said, Tawny is still hot as fook!

UZUMAKI (2000)

I recently read Junji Ito's manga "Uzumaki" and it was so brilliant, creepy and addictive that I finished the entire thing in two days.  So with some genuine excitement I sat down to watch this live action adaptation and...it was shockingly lame.  The main actress (Eriko Hatsune) is perfect and the atmosphere is sufficiently creepy but the story suuuuuucked.  Not only did they leave out like 90% of the story but they added in a bunch of useless filler.

Some of the residents of the small Japanese town of Kurozu-cho have developed a unhealthy obsession with spirals.  At first they simply enjoy looking at snail shells or other things that have spiral shapes but before long they are mutating their bodies into spiral shapes and turning into snails themselves.  In the manga, things get really demented, but in this film adaptation things just move along at a snails pace until the weak ending.

My advise: read the awesome manga by Junji Ito and only then watch this movie.  Also check out "Gyo".  I'm currently reading that and it's crazy as fuck!

I would love to see another live action remake of "Uzumaki" but hopefully this time it's more faithful to the source material.