HAIL, CAESAR! (2016)

Around a hour or so into HAIL, CAESAR! I thought to myself "What the hell is this movie?"  IMDb lists it as a "Comedy, Mystery", but there's nothing worth more than a smile throughout the entire thing and I have no idea what the mystery portion could have be.  Yeah, there's a kidnapping but we know who the kidnappers are right from the beginning!

Whatever.  Set in the early 1950's, HAIL, CAESAR! is the story of a Hollywood studio big wig (Josh Brolin) who spends all of his time taking care of production needs and keeping the various studio stars in line.  One day something big comes up when the main actor (George Clooney) in the studio's most expensive film disappears off the set.  Is he on a bender?  Shacked up with a dame?  Or maybe even kidnapped by Communists?  69'ing in the woods with a mountain lion?  Brolin has to get his star back while at the same time taking care of various other problems (pregnant single actress, miscast actor, a tempting job offer, etc), it's all very...blah.

I love classic Hollywood and I was excited to see a modern day film set back in 1950's Hollywood, but HAIL, CAESAR! is a dud.  It looks nice, but the story was all over the place with no true center or even likeable characters.  I kept waiting and waiting for something to develop, then I realized that the movie is already 3/4's done and it's still just flailing around like a boat lost in a storm.

With so much talent (both in front and behind the camera) I was expecting a delightful throwback mystery-comedy, kinda like the wonderful THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION, but that didn't happen.  Instead HAIL, CAESAR! simply putters along and leaves more questions than it answers.  On the bright side I really enjoyed the performances of Alden Ehrenreich and Veronica Osorio.  They were both great. Also, the lighting was nice.

Is that a white SUV off to the right?

JOHNNY MNEMONIC (1995)

I've heard some pretty negative things about this film over the years.  That's probably why it's taken me 20 years finally watch it.  So...were all of those negative comments accurate?  Yeah, pretty much.

Set in the year 2021, Johnny is a data courier who stores data in his 80 gigabit hard drive enhanced brain. On the way to meet a customer in Beijing, he uses a "doubler" to increase his capacity to 160GB. Unfortunately, the package is 320GB so Keanu concentrates really hard and crams that 320GB into the 160GB hard drive.  As a result the data starts "seaping" into his brain and causing him to react violently to bright lights...just like a Mogwai.  Even worse, is right after he downloads the package a group of hitmen bust in and start killing everybody (one of the killers uses a thumb laser lasso!).  Johnny escapes and now the gangsters are after him.  The only person that can save him is a cyborg dolphin in New Jersey. Of course.

I was hoping that JOHNNY MNEMONIC would surprise me and be actually good or maybe silly to the point of being funny.  Sadly though, it's so bland that it's difficult to have much of an opinion about it one way or the other.  The story comes off more confusing than it actually is, the future looks like shit, the CGI is ridiculous, zero nudity, TV show level action scenes, Henry Rollins as a doctor, an "eye phone", Keanu Reeves acting like he just saw the lines for the first time 30 seconds before they yelled "Action".

Good for a few chuckles, but honestly, outside of morbid curiosity or campy train wreck thrills I can't think of much reason to waste your time watching this movie.