HAIL, CAESAR! (2016)

Around a hour or so into HAIL, CAESAR! I thought to myself "What the hell is this movie?"  IMDb lists it as a "Comedy, Mystery", but there's nothing worth more than a smile throughout the entire thing and I have no idea what the mystery portion could have be.  Yeah, there's a kidnapping but we know who the kidnappers are right from the beginning!

Whatever.  Set in the early 1950's, HAIL, CAESAR! is the story of a Hollywood studio big wig (Josh Brolin) who spends all of his time taking care of production needs and keeping the various studio stars in line.  One day something big comes up when the main actor (George Clooney) in the studio's most expensive film disappears off the set.  Is he on a bender?  Shacked up with a dame?  Or maybe even kidnapped by Communists?  69'ing in the woods with a mountain lion?  Brolin has to get his star back while at the same time taking care of various other problems (pregnant single actress, miscast actor, a tempting job offer, etc), it's all very...blah.

I love classic Hollywood and I was excited to see a modern day film set back in 1950's Hollywood, but HAIL, CAESAR! is a dud.  It looks nice, but the story was all over the place with no true center or even likeable characters.  I kept waiting and waiting for something to develop, then I realized that the movie is already 3/4's done and it's still just flailing around like a boat lost in a storm.

With so much talent (both in front and behind the camera) I was expecting a delightful throwback mystery-comedy, kinda like the wonderful THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION, but that didn't happen.  Instead HAIL, CAESAR! simply putters along and leaves more questions than it answers.  On the bright side I really enjoyed the performances of Alden Ehrenreich and Veronica Osorio.  They were both great. Also, the lighting was nice.

Is that a white SUV off to the right?

RED HEAT (1988)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Russian cop sent to America to accompany a wanted drug runner (Ed O'Ross), who was arrested in Chicago, back to Russia. Shit happens, the bad guy escapes and now it's up to Arnold and his wise-cracking American partner Jim Belushi to catch this asshole.

As far as buddy cop movies go, RED HEAT is disappointingly straightforward.  Arnold's character is too silent and Terminator-ish and Belushi's character, while he does get a few small laughs, is way too serious and jaded.  The whole thing would have been better if their partnership dynamic was more like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold in TRUE LIES.

Slow pace, needlessly complicated story, lackluster action scenes, boring ending, unfunny jokes about human rights violations, very little onscreen chemistry between Belushi and Arnold, limp topless scenes.

I wanted to like this film but it just wasn't my cup of vodka. Still, it's worth watching, just nothing to get overly excited about.

In the picture above (and below) the glass breaks before being touched.

IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1994)

Insurance investigator Sam Neill is hired by a publishing house to find their lost horror writer, Sutter Cane.  Using clues from Cane's book covers, Neill discovers a map that leads him to the fictional town of Hobb's End, which is the setting in many of Cane's novels.  Progressively creepy stuff happens (reoccurring bicycle rider on the road, paintings moving, phantom children, evil dogs, mutants, tentacles, dogs and cats living together) and soon Neill discovers that he's in a world of shit.

Time has not been kind to IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS.  The last time I last saw it was back in 1995 when it first came out in the theaters and I thought it was pretty creepy.  Revisiting it now...not so much.  Actually, it's not even creepy at all.  Instead the whole thing looks cheap around the edges, the story isn't near as grand as it promises to be, there's barely any violence, the only female with descent screentime to the unsexy "sexy" vampire from FRIGHT NIGHT II, the story drags on without any payoff, Sam Neill's performance comes off much campier than I remembered and the intro credit song by John Carpenter is like a bizarre lovechild of "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" and "Enter Sandman".

IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS isn't a bad movie, it's just dedicates so much energy into this whole perverted reality "are we living in a book?" bullshit that it forgets to actually have any scary moments.  Worth a watch for fans of 90's horror, but it's nothing to get excited about.  If you want me I'll be in my room watching PRINCE OF DARKNESS.