Monday, December 28, 2015

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)

True story: I saw this opening weekend in a very crowded theater in Dallas, TX and right as the movie started a gigantic teenage girl goes thundering down the stairs like a stampeding baby elephant while announcing to the entire world "I GOTZ 2 GO PEEEEE!!!"  I have no idea if she ever accomplished her goal or not because I was probably asleep by the time she returned to the theater.

Soulless remake by the same soulless guy who made the equally soulless FRIDAY THE 13TH remake.  Set in 1973, we're introduced to five twentysomething teenagers returning from a drug run to Mexico.  While driving through the Texas backroads they pick up a hitchhiker.  Things go downhill from there and before you can yawn 666 times they're being terrorized by your average horror movie hillbilly family.  All the standard stuff is here: chainsaw revving, meathook hanging, screaming, mask made out of human skin, interior of house looking like the NIN "Closer" video, predictable story, zero nudity, zero scares, very minor blood, zero gore, annoying characters that cannot die quick enough, mysterious light sources, meaningless dialogue, dripping water, sweaty grinning yokels, etc.

The pace and production values were good enough to keep me from totally falling asleep but I had absolutely zero interest in who lived or died or even what happened.  Honestly, the best part of the movie was Jessica Biel's tight clothes.  Baby buttfucking Jesus those jeans need to be put on display at the Smithsonian!  World Class Ass aside this reboot is about as mediocre as it gets.  Yawn.

Part 1 - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Part 2 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Part 3 - Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
Remake/sequel - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
Reboot prequel - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Reboot sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw 3D