Monday, July 15, 2013

TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013)

Upon hearing about this latest TCM remake/reboot/sequel/whatever I figured that just like all the other remakes/reboots/sequels/whatevers that it was gonna suck...and it did but it wasn't quite as blasphemous towards the original as I had feared and it was pretty goddamn funny.

The opening credits montage features some altered and out of sequence moments from the original 1974 classic and uses them to setup a scene immediately after the events of the first film where somehow there was actually a bunch of people in the house besides the four that we already know about.  A lynch mob gets in a shootout with the Sawyer family and burns the house down, killing everybody except for Leatherface who escapes and a woman and her baby!  You mean there was a baby in the house the whole time?!!!  I've been to the actual house the original was filmed in and it ain't that big, so I don't know where all these people where hiding.  Anyway, so Leatherface disappears and one of the hillbilly lynch dudes kicks the mom to death, steals the baby and gives it to a friend.

Fast-forward 39 years and the baby is now in her 20's and pretty goddamn hot with a legendary ass.  She receives a letter saying that she's inherited a house from her grandmother, but that doesn't make any sense since her grandparents are already dead.  Her "parents" then confess that they're not really her parents, so she hightails it to Texas with her idiotic friends.  Once there they see the house is actually an awesome looking mansion secluded off in the woods.  Naturally it's party-and-smoke-weed-time-while-listening-to-shitty-music time (ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks)...but hey!  What is this hidden panel hiding a super-creepy door?  Why I'll be damned that's where the old lady was hiding Leatherface!  What the fuck?  That's right.  Leatherface might be 66 years-old but he's still as frisky as a puppy and ready to get this party started!  Ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks!

So for the rest of the movie it's just Leatherface creeping around killing people and stupid people doing stupid things.  I think my favorite was the lone cop who decides to go into the house and into the secret basement while on Facetime.  Hahahahaaaha!  Another head scratching moment was when a friend of the main girl (remember they're from out of Texas) shoots a shotgun at Leatherface while yelling "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!"  What does that even mean?! 

TC3D was dumb as Hell, but goddamn I laughed so hard my sides where hurting.  Who writes this shit?  Did they actually think they were making a serious movie?!  For a horror movie, it's garbage, but for laughs TC3D is a classic.  English language murdered, van flipping over, the laziest Sheriff of all time (on more than one occasion he lets people commit mass murder and he just walks away), terrible looking Leatherface masks, ladies and the drinks, chainsaw tossing, zero nudity (which is sad since the two main girls were beautiful), very little gore, blood all over the joint, godawful music/sound effects, crappy looking CGI, SAW references, ladies and the drinks, Leatherface removed of any personality and now just your standard killing machine, ladies and the drinks, terrible dialogue, logic tossed out the window, stupid scene after the end credits, four cameo appearances from the original plus both Hooper and Henkel as executive producers!

Part 1 - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Part 2 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Part 3 - Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
Remake/Sequel - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
Reboot 1 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Reboot prequel - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning