THE ROCK (1996)

A disgruntled general and a bunch of military dudes take over Alcatraz Island.  They lock all of the tourists in cells and then threaten to kill everybody in San Francisco with a deadly chemical gas (launched on missiles) unless they get 100 million dollars.  That sounds like the set-up for a fairly entertaining film: highly trained dudes in a highly fortified position, super badass dudes gotta sneak in and rescue the day...but then you see the credit "Directed by Michael Bay" and you know that you're gonna get all of that plus loads of crazy, illogical, fucked-up silliness.  Exotic cars, wailing guitars, explosions on top of other explosions, a ridiculous car chase, people barking orders, manly camera angles, patriotism overload, the Sun, helicopters, military jets...and then you add on Nicholas Cage's patented overacting!!! Wow!  That's a surefire recipe for entertainment.  Entertainment like a motherfucker!!

In order to sneak into Alcatraz, the FBI forcefully recruits escape artist/ex-spy Sean Connery (the only man to have successfully snuck out of Alcatraz) to lead a group of Navy SEALS and FBI chemical weapons nerd Nicholas Cage into "the Rock".

Even all these years later THE ROCK is still an entertaining ride.  Dumb story, impressive cast, fast pace, worried girlfriend looking all worried, Sean Connery channeling James Bond, a runaway coal mine cart chase.  Recommended.

If you think about it, it's kinda funny because Michael Biehn and Ed Harris' roles from THE ABYSS are now reversed: now it's Harris who is the bad guy and Biehn is the good guy. Also, I'm kinda surprised they haven't remade this with Dwayne Johnson in it.

THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987)

In 1930, Al Capone (Robert De Niro) was one of the most powerful gangsters in America.  Most of his power, wealth and influence came from the US government's brilliant decision to make booze illegal.  Thanks to Prohibition, organized crime syndicates got a massive boost.  It's estimated that, during the Prohibition, the illegal alcohol beverage industry averaged $3 billion per year in illegal untaxed income!  Rather than just repealing Prohibition, the government sends in Prohibition agent Kevin Costner to take down Capone.  Costner quickly learns that Capone has the police in his back pocket, so he assembles a tight-knit group of agents that a willing to risk everything to stop Capone illegal shenanigans.  He calls them...Hero Squad, I mean, The Untouchables. 

That sounds exciting...a government-backed special agent versus a ruthless gangster who has more money than god.  If it was told in a cynical, dark and extremely violent way it would be awesome!  Instead Brian De Palma's THE UNTOUCHABLES just isn't very good.  The acting is laughable (1987 must have been an absolute crap year for movies for Sean Connery to actually win an Academy Award for his totally average performance.  Then again the award probably should have just gone to R. Lee Ermey for FULL METAL JACKET), the music (while by itself is fine) is sometimes jarringly out of place in this film (example: the happy sounding music during the horse riding scene...the nerdy accountant gleefully yelling "Woooooo!!!" didn't help things either), the story is telegraphed way in advance and has zero tension...and the direction!  Ohh brother. I've never been an admirer of De Palma and this film does nothing to change that.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but the entire way this movie looked just irritated me.  It looked like a movie.  Staged and unnatural.

Also for a movie being about Al Capone there's very little Al Capone in the film.  I think he had like 6 - 7 scenes total and none of them were very long.  Skip it. If you need me I'll be in my room watching "Boardwalk Empire".

 The guy in the middle of the screen looks like he twisted his ankle.

 "Yearbook"?  Don't you mean "textbook"?

 After the hand grenade lands for the second(!) time the explosion comes from out of the ground beside it.