THE CRAFT (1996)

Welcome 2 the witching hour, motherfucker.  One year before Buffy arrived at Sunnydale High, Sarah (Robin Tunney) arrives as a new student at a Los Angeles prep school.  Almost immediately she’s taken in by the local teenage witch coven.  Things happen and before you can say “Give me sum of dat Gargamel pussy!” they’re haphazardly firing off spells all over the joint.  Pew, pew, pew!  But, of course, we all know that casting spells around willy-nilly never works out well.

Witchcraft is fucking awesome.  High school is fucking awesome.  So, when you mix the two together, it’s just simple mathematics that the movie is going to be dope.  THE CRAFT is obviously dated, but the vintage clothes, weak special effects and cringe dialogue just add to the charm of the film.

Revisiting THE CRAFT again for this review, I was kinda surprised at how much Fairuza Balk carried the film.  I’m also surprised that nobody ever used her in a demon possession film.  Hell, maybe they did.  What do I know?  Strong supporting cast, weak main cast (outside of Fairuza and Neve Campbell), average direction, zero nudity, zero gore, a few cool spells but nothing super awesome, zero hardcore violence, DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE and PANTHER playing at the same movie theater we last saw in COLORS, weak usage of potentially awesome Los Angeles locations, weak soundtrack, zero time-travel, zero ninjas, average pace.  For grumpy old wizards like myself, THE CRAFT has a lot of nostalgic value, but younger apprentice wizards might find the entire thing to be weak.

Anyway, if you love old stuff like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed or Angel, then you should check out THE CRAFT.

[Post-review note: This has absolutely nothing to do with the review, but hundreds of years ago, I was talking to a stranger (who headbangs side-to-side) at a Cemetery Filth show.  In a moment of human weakness, I let down my guard and mentioned a secret thought that I have never told anybody before: I always see Eyehategod and THE CRAFT as being connected in my brain because I once saw Eyehategod and THE CRAFT was playing on a small TV above the bar.  The memory of that moment has always made me smile, but when I die, that nonsensical connection will be lost forever.

She then mentioned how that connection is now in her brain also.  I thought that was an incredibly sweet thing to say.  I’m sure that she was lying, since everything everybody says to me is a lie, but it was a nice gesture and one of the kindest lies anyone has told me in a very long time.  And now, you have that pointless connection in your brain too.

P.S. As I’m typing this, my furry lil boi Charlie is attempting to sneak up on me, but the morning Sun that he loves so much is betraying him since I can see his hunkered down shadow creeping up closer and closer.  Of course, I’ll still act surprised when he fin…AGGGHHHHGHH!!!]

Part 2 - The Craft: Legacy (2020)

AMITYVILLE IN SPACE (2022)

Fucking awful.  A priest confronts Satan at the Amityville house, which then, for some reason, blasts off into outer space.  Fast-forward to the year 3015 and a spaceship that is cruising around looking for “rogue black holes in space” comes across the Amityville Mojo Dojo Casa House still fully intact just leisurely floating around.  Three crew members board the mysterious house and find the priest alive and well.  Shit happens and I got more and more depressed that I was watching this Satanic bowel movement.

Slow pace, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, non-acting that bordered on people just reciting lines, beyond shit special effects, shit sets, the voice of the evil character so garbled that I could barely understand anything he said, zero cheerleaders, zero ninjas, a house supposedly floating in deep space in the year 3015 but you can see cars driving by outside the window, horrid lighting, disappointing ending, crap story.

Honestly, outside of making fun of this with your friends, there is no reason that you should watch this turd.  AMITYVILLE IN SPACE is not the worst thing ever made, but there are so many better things you can do with your time.

Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.