H.O.T.S. (1979)

A group of college females who are too unattractive or too poor to get into a real fraternity decide to get revenge on the stuck up main chick at the Pi House by starting their own frat and "...not only steal Melody's boyfriend, but ever last man on campus.  We'll make Pi sorority house look like a convent!"  Woo-hoo!  That'll show 'em!

The thought process doesn't go much deeper than that.  The H.O.T.S. girls fix up an old house, recruit new chicks, play a bunch of pranks on the rival sorority house, have pranks played on them, get into fights, ride around in a hot air balloon, skydive topless, throw pies, dance at a disco, wet t-shirt contest, adopt a seal, make moonshine in their attic, have a bear play guitar at the beach and, in the end, play a game of strip football in front of the entire school.  Also, for added yucks there's two escape convict who keep snooping around the house because there's money hidden in the attic.

Even despite all of the topless nudity, H.O.T.S. wasn't sexy and the jokes were pretty terrible.  Still it wasn't painful to watch.  Will you laugh?  Probably not.  Will you find the story interesting?  Not really.  Will you jack off?  Maybe, if you're into funky 70's bodies.  Not the worst 70's/early 80's sex comedy of all time, but it's no masterpiece either. Also, there was a pre-"South Park" A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000, which I thought was strange.

 Is this the inspiration for A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000?

DARK SHADOWS (2012)

Johnny Depp plays a dude who back in 1760-something ran afoul of a witch (because he loved another woman) so she killed the woman, turned him into a vampire and locked him in a coffin.  Fast-forward 200 years and the witch is now running a fish cannery in the same town.  Some construction workers come across Depp's coffin.  He promptly kills them all then heads to his family home.  They still live there, so he moves in and sets to restoring his family to their former glory.  But before he can do that he first has to deal with the psychotic witch that is still in love with him.

I've never seen the TV show, so I have no idea what purists think, but the movie was alright.  On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd give it a solid 5.  The first half of the film is kind of funny in a fish-out-of-water/ AUSTIN POWERS kind of way, but then in the last act everything gets too serious.  Is this suppose to be comedy or a serious movie with comedy elements?  I have no idea.  There's funny stuff, but then innocent people get murdered and a dad leaves his son and a house gets burned down.  Then suddenly out of nowhere one of the characters turns into a half-werewolf for no reason at all.  What the fuck?  

Attractive females all over the joint, Alice Cooper cameo, Carpenters "Top of the World" montage, 70's humor, coffin jokes, Burton stylized sets and visuals, I wanted to like DARK SHADOWS and I did like pieces of it, but as a whole it's too unfocused.  Worth a one time watch, but that's it.