MAN'S BEST FRIEND (1993)

A wannabe investigative reporter (Ally Sheedy), who has the intelligence of a pine cone and the visual observation skills of a blind mole-rat, illegally breaks into a genetic research facility to see what’s poppin’ up n dat bish. Turns out the scientists are creating the ultimate guard dog that has the most ultimate traits of all the most ultimate critters. Including, but not limited to, the camouflaging skills of a chameleon, the tree climbing skills of a jaguar, the biting power of a ratpire, the rabid psychosis of an overweight early 2000’s pre-dawn Black Friday shopper and the acidic urine of a Wookalar. Naturally, she takes this bloodthirsty killing machine home. The evil scientist (Lance Henriksen) who created the killer beast wants his puppy back. Aww.

For a low-budget, early 1990’s killer dog movie, MAN’S BEST FRIEND is alright and definitely watchable, but there isn’t enough happening to keep the viewer fully invested. First off, the large corporation tracking down the killer dog is literally just Lance Henriksen! No secondary dogs or evil henchmen. Nope. Just ol’ Lance and his goofy, ill-fitted jacket. Secondly, the killer dog is an asshole. I can’t root for a psychotic dog who kills an innocent cat and a caged bird. Not to mention, he rapes another dog. It’d be one thing if he was going around killing various criminals and evil scientists, but he’s murdering innocent people just trying to live their lives. Thirdly, Ally Sheedy’s character is just so weak and dumb. She’s the anti-Ellen Ripley. The vast majority of the deaths and bad things that happen in the film are a result of her bad decisions.

Annoying kids, medium pace, zero nudity, zero gore, a little blood, suspected animal cruelty that pissed me off (that cat did not look happy in that one scene), early 1990's technology, disappointing ending, average acting, average cast. With some tweaks to the script, MAN’S BEST FRIEND could have been awesome, but instead it will mainly be remembered as the film Craig’s dad was watching in FRIDAY. “It’s your ass, Mr. Postman!”

CLASS OF 1999 (1990)

In 1999, things are going to be all kinds of fucked up: Stanley Kubrick is going to evolve into a skeleton, dogs and cats not living together, all the computers in the Universe are going stop working at exactly midnight on New Year’s Eve, Stephen King is going to get run over by a moron playing with his dog, thousands of violent mass suicides inside movie theaters showing WILD WILD WEST and the American public school system will be so f’d that the Department of Education Defense will experiment in using some TERMINATOR-style killbots as teachers. Sounds like a well-thought-out plan. Unfortunately, the three “inhuman teaching monsters” chosen to straighten up the student body of Seattle’s Kennedy High are all completely insane, so before you can say “Hello my baby, Hello my Honey, cum in my rectum now!” the robot teachers have graduated from simple karate moves to MDK. Murder Death Kill.

Time has not been kind to CLASS OF 1999. I remember seeing it in the theater back in 1990 and really enjoying it thanks to the quick pace, above average acting and goofy story, but watching it again now for this brilliantly written review, CO1999 is dated and severely lacking in the action department. Still, it’s worth watching for anybody curious about it.

Steady pace, nostalgic early 1990’s special effects, wacky futuristic clothing, an indoor club where people are constantly firing guns into the air, zero nudity, zero gore, very little blood, “The Nine Inch Nails” in the closing credits, some really old-looking high school students, a background actor who looks a lot like Rose McGowan, a few cool stunts, explosions, Stacy Keach with an albino power mullet.

Part 1 - Class of 1984 (1982)
Part 3 - Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (1994)