THE JACK IN THE BOX RISES (2024)

The last time we saw our old buddy Jack in the Box, at the end of Part 2, he was scampering around a secluded country estate with an old zombie woman.  I guess that didn’t turn out too well because now the estate has been converted into an exclusive girls’ school and Jack is locked away (yet again) in his box.  Boring shit happens and eventually Jack is released to perform the same ol’ boring routine of having his head drooped down, then slowly rise as he impersonates a drowning velociraptor before killing the frozen-in-fear victim in different boring ways.  So, in other words: it’s the same ol’ shit as the last two films.  I like the Jack in the Box story and despite all three of the films in this series being lame, I really do think there is a lot of potential for the Jack in the Box character.  I just wish he would break out of his shell and do something cool for once.  Come on, Jack!  We all got faith in you!

Dim lighting, uninspired kills, the same (underused) location as the last film, overly complicated story, zero nudity, zero gore, low amount of violence, barely passable acting, average pace, weak direction, muted colours, poor casting, disappointing ending, below average camerawork, zero cheerleaders.

Honestly, THE JACK IN THE BOX RISES is a 5/10 at best, but yet, I still like this series.  I can see the potential of the idea…that hasn’t yet made it to the screen.  Maybe one day.  Hell, I'd be happy with a hateful and sick The Jack in the Box novel.

Part 1 – The Jack in the Box (2019)
Part 2 – The Jack in the Box: Awakening (2022)

A MAN CALLED HORSE (1970)

Not to be confused with A Man Called Horse Pussy, A MAN CALLED HORSE is the unattractively filmed and surprisingly boring story of a dude who, way back in the day, is captured by Native American Indians.  You would think that that would be a bad thing and he'd be slowly tortured to death, but nope, this dude ends up having a better life than I do!  I’m over here so depressed that suicide won’t even cure my grief and this dude's walking around enjoying the daylight, playing a flute, leisurely picking berries as he flirts with a girl who lives in his tribe, hanging out with puppy dogs and riding a horse.  I say “his tribe” because his captors almost immediately take him in as one of their own and he’s given complete freedom to walk around and do whatever he wants.  Seems like a pretty chill life.  He even gets to work out his frustrations by occasionally killing members of other tribes.  Also, the “electrifying ritual” promised in the poster is completely voluntary!

Promising story idea that ends up being lame, zero tension, disappointing ending, slow pace, a few quick snippets of poorly shot nudity, boring action scenes, okay acting.  I wanted to like A MAN CALLED HORSE, but it ended up being a disappointment.  Watch it if you want, what the fuck do I care.

Part 2 - The Return of a Man Called Horse (1976)
Part 3 - Triumphs of a Man Called Horse (1983)

LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

Divided up into numerous smaller stories, LOVE ACTUALLY insults any human who possesses empathy and/or an IQ above room temperature with multiple vomitous, I mean, romantic tales about love.  For example: a woman is recently married and then when she discovers that her husband’s best friend likes her, she cheats on her husband with the best friend.  How romantic!  In another story, a husband is cheating on his wife and only after his heartbroken wife confronts him about it does he admit that he is a fool.  Too late now motherfucker!  In yet another heartstring tugger, a man catches his wife and his brother fucking, so he rebounds by seducing his non-English speaking housekeeper.  Wow.  That’s lovely.

The cast is very impressive and the acting is fine, but this movie can go straight fuck itself.  I hate the way it’s filmed, the musical cues for the intellectually stunted are insulting and the overall message is absolute rubbish.  If your marketing campaign is about how the movie is super romantic, then maybe have the film feature characters who are emotionally evolved enough to actually be honest with each other.  I’d rather be alone forever than get tricked into a relationship with a dishonest, soulless, weak-minded, chickenshit cheating sack of shit. Go feed yourself more lies.

Years ago I had the supreme misfortune to meet one subhuman in particular who thought this movie was actually romantic. She ended up having the personality of a war criminal and the morals of a tomcat who enjoys raping kittens to death, so maybe LOVE ACTUALLY is a good test to see if a person is a vile inhuman piece of shit or not.