FRANCIS JOINS THE WACS (1954)

As you remember, at the end of part 4, Francis was making out with a zebra in Central Park while Peter and his girlfriend watched. Well, as part 5 opens, all of that has been tossed out the window apparently. Peter and Francis are separated once again, the girlfriend is M.I.A. and now, big dummy Peter (who’s even dumber than ever) is working as a bank teller. Within a few seconds of us seeing Peter for the first time, he starts screaming inside the bank lobby and then accidentally sets off the alarm! Next thing you know, Peter has been re-enlisted into the military and somehow sent to an all-female camp. You would think that they’d toss him out on his unwanted dick, but nope, he’s put in charge of whipping the women into shape for an upcoming war game. So, where is Francis during all of this? Funny you should ask, because on Peter’s first night in camp, as he’s standing in his room holding up a bra while saying “Fancy earmuffs.” …Francis magically appears in the window! Shit doesn’t make any sense at all, but whatever. I’ll roll with it.

FRANCIS JOINS THE WACS is the silliest film of the series so far. But that's not saying much cause they're all dumb as fuck. One interesting thing we do learn in FJTWACS is that in Peter’s Official Military Personnel File (OMPF) it states that he’s already been committed into “neuro-psychiatric retention” 27 times! That's some "Howling Mad" Murdock numbers right there. And it explains a lot because Peter is totally unhinged in this installment. Dude can barely walk three feet without causing a ruckus. Another funny thing is the real-life voice of Francis is an actor named Chill Wills and he appears in this film as a general who bumps heads with Francis. So now you got scenes of a real-life actor arguing with himself in the form of his other character. That was cute.

If you're watching the series in order, then this installment is just more of the same shtick. Peter gets into all kinds of trouble because he's a moron, Francis saves his ass, nobody believes that Francis can talk, Francis talks, everybody loses their shit, the end. Three things I did like about FRANCIS JOINS THE WACS: there's more scenes of Francis doing things and out in public than usual; it had a good supporting cast (including Julie Adams, Mamie Van Doren and ZaSu Pitts) and finally, in the last scene Francis and Peter walk off together. I get really upset when they part ways. It's very depressing.

Curious how many old-timey CFNM fetishists got their start seeing Peter working out in his underwear surrounded by a hundred giggling (and fully clothed) women?

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)

UN CHIEN ANDALOU (1929)

Seven of thirteen dentists most likely agree that Hank Williams probably never released a song called “Look at My Butt.” Collecting injustices. Squirrel sign language. Not a chance, Small Ballz. I Am a Fugitive From a Drain Gang: Or, The Illusion That Time Is Real and Milk Can Be Poured Before the Cereal. Bok-Bok 3:16. I wish I hadn’t put that pine cone up my butt for Christmas. Researchers have determined that “The Lumberjack” song by Jackyl was not featured in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Yer butt is turning me on. He turned on the radio right as the announcer promised that “You’ll be eating so much gash, that you’ll be shitting squirt.” Those belong in the Smithsonian next to Corey Haim's table cloth trench coat. I talked to my grandma about this. Every time I look at the artwork for Heaven Can Wait, I think that he’s looking at his cellphone. Have you ever been kissed while in a reclining position? Dongerius Bueller's day off. Burping and thunderfarting like a werewolf.

Cousins who have hooked up with other cousins. Mambo No. 666. Teen punk rock mystery novel set in an all-girl's prep school in 1985. Details involving your trip to the truck stop and your encounters with raccoons, aliens and diarrhea. Zombie attack on nudist camp. Is that Garfield shirt in regular rotation? Sven Thorneck the quattuordecsexual whaling museum curator. An orange 1986 Ford Escort. He makes up for it in the handsome taint department. Cornered by the police in a haunted house, Dymon needed to create a time machine so he drew a circle on the wooden floor with white chalk. It usually starts with polygamy. He only stinks during a full moon. Cellar door. Lol, ugh fuuuuuuckkkk it's sooo hot in Texas fuuuuuckkkk. I ate three bowls of Fiber One this morning and now I gotta go take a goddamn shit! I'm am a idiot. Music that isn't on Spotify. Waiting in line to die. The cyborg girl's pockets sagged with dead gopher meat. I want to see a serious Western about Freddy Krueger in the early 1800's.

Szilveszter Matuska's sexual desires. And my banana pants. Despite being 9 feet tall and half-extraterrestrial, nobody notices and he becomes a detective and part-time movie critic for a local newspaper. Yup the whole mountain village can see you take a krumpus. By the time they reached the Waffle House, a few crucial pieces of Catherine's innards were missing. Whatever happened to Dream Dolphin? Yep, it's raining like 36 dancing little motherfuckers out there. A demon-possessed pothole that can move at will and kills people. Odd religious sects. Have DoorDash deliver yo last meal to the cemetery. Nothing fails like prayer. I don't have one single follower for my Prowler In the Yard vs. Twenty One Pilots playlist. Ten foot tall Nosferatu bowling ball. Anybody who doesn't have Big Challenges as their buddy in Hello Kitty Island Adventure is missing out. Beware of Creepy George, he is so creepy. Polar bears engulfed in flames. When the song “Smack My Bitch Up” was originally released back in ye olde 1997, some people were upset with the title supposedly being about a violence act against a woman, but the origin of the title actually come from a 1891 poem by Carlos J. A. Abernathy about giving a loving kiss to his female dog, Grace. I know what the human centipede did last summer. Haunt me. It was all lies. The door remains shut.

THE 500 POUND JERK (1973)

When his breakfast cereal is discovered to have zero nutritional value, advertising man (James Franciscus) is given three months to save the cereal or be shitcanned. Around the same time, he has car trouble and at the garage meets a goofy lummox (Alex Karras) who doesn’t even workout but can lift up a car. This gives Franciscus an idea: train this birdbrained motherfucker for a few months, then toss his ass into the 1972 Olympics, avoid getting massacred by militants, win a gold medal in weightlifting and claim that the worthless cereal is why the Mongo motherfucker is so strong. Sounds like a completely sleazeball thing to do, but that's advertising for you.

When the title “The 500 Pound Jerk” popped up on the screen, I envisioned that the movie was going to be about a 500 pound bodybuilder walking around the Olympics being a douche. Imagine Rodney Dangerfield from BACK TO SCHOOL in Rich Piana’s body.  But nope, it’s about a weightlifting move called the Clean and Jerk and the 500 pounds is weight range they are going for to win the gold medal. How lame. That was disappointing. Still, this could have been a good film if they had leaned more towards the comedy aspect. But nope once again, instead, the filmmakers eat up time by shoehorning in a boring love story about our hero and a Russian gymnast. Lame!

Promising title, boring story, good acting by James Franciscus, interesting clips of the actual 1972 Olympic Games, that one guy from A HARD DAY'S NIGHT, sluggish pace, not one single song by Destroy Boys or Haunt Me in the soundtrack, Howard Cosell, weak ending. Honestly, I don't even know why THE 500 POUND JERK was made. There's nothing to it. Worth a watch for James Franciscus fans, but that's about it.  That said, I'm about 100% convinced that somebody involved with the making of 1974's BLAZING SADDLES saw THE 500 POUND JERK because Alex Kerras plays pretty much the same character in that film but just in a cowboy hat. "Mongo only pawn in game of life." So, for that alone, I'm glad this film was made.