CHERNOBYL DIARIES (2012)

Seven years before HBO's masterpiece "Chernobyl", a group of privileged American ultradouchers decide it would be a good idea to go on an "extreme tourism" tour of Prypiat, the town right next to the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.  Brilliant!  So anyway, these tired-of-living motherfuckers check out the abandoned ruins in a piece of shit old rattletrap with nobody knowing where they are except their lone tour guide.  Things go about as well as you would imagine.  They look at a bunch of old broken down buildings, then when they decide to go home...the truck doesn't start.  Colour me surprised.  I never saw that coming.  Shit happens and one by one our heroes are picked off by mutants.  I'm just saying "mutants" cause we never really get a good look at them...ever.  It could have simply been a train full of malicious, cannibal circus freaks crashed nearby or something.  Anyway, four score and seven cliches later, I was yawning so hard that I barely even noticed the film had ended.

CHERNOBYL DIARIES is a good idea for a movie (even if it actually lifts from THE HILLS HAVE EYES), but unfortunately the execution of that idea is lightweight in the extreme.  Annoying main characters, CG bear, CG fish, stupid ending, zero blood, zero violence, weak acting, unfulfilled promises of nuclear mutants gone wild, missed opportunities left and right, that one nerd from WOLF CREEK has grown a beard, boring photography, zero nudity.

Not the worst movie ever, but I can't think of any reason why you would waste your time with it...I take that back, I did enjoy the one blonde chick pushing her tits out all over the joint. That was amusing.

If you need me, I'll be in my room playing "All Ghilled Up" on Veteran difficulty and punching holes in my TV.

THE DARKEST HOUR (2011)

Reasonably entertaining low-budget sci-fi flick about a group of douchers hanging out at a douche club in Moscow when suddenly the electricity goes out.  When they step outside to investigate they see the entire city is dark and the sky is full of falling lights (almost John Wyndham-style).  One of the glowing balls lands in the street and when a pig approaches the car-size globe, it turns invisible and disintegrates him into a swirl of dust.  Everybody justifiably freaks the fuck out.  Our heroes have a few close calls and end up hiding in the kitchen.  When they emerge a few days later, they discover the entire planet has been taken over by these killer invisible ball things.  Stuff happens.

I'll never watch it ever again, but for a one time watch it was an alright time burner.  Low budget, okay CG effects, okay pace, zero nudity, bloodless violence, no ups, no downs, no surprises.  Just average all the way across the board.  If you need me I'll be in my room reading "The Day of the Triffids".

Somebody should tells those people calmly walking around on their balcony that an apocalypse is going on.

WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES (2012)

Welcome to the Mountain Man Festival.  It's suppose to be a huge festival thing like Burning Man or something.  Who knows.  Five douchers are driving down a country road on there way to the festival, when they suddenly see a hillbilly standing in the road.  They swerve to avoid the slack-jawed yokel and hit a tree instead.  Then the fuzz shows up and arrests everybody.  That's bad news bears for the five douchers, because the hillbilly just happens to be the father of the three psychos from Part 4.  And now they're on their way to bust him out of jail RIO BRAVO-style.  What an amazing story.

Nice change of setting (even though the city was clearly a sound stage), quick pace, violence, badly lit nudity, snow plow kills, leg torture, dismemberment, burned alive in a barrel, Pinhead without his makeup on, stupid decisions, forced to eat your own intestines, electrocution, eyeball removal, suicide.  If you're a horror fan, it's worth a one time viewing, but really that's it.

My biggest complaint, besides the weak script, is: no Jennifer Pudavick.  As awesome as Part 4 was in the violence and story departments, the film overall was even more awesome because of her presence.  She carried the film and if the filmmakers were wise, they would just bring her back in each film.  I know she died in Part 4, but she could have easily played the sheriff in this film and it would have benefited greatly.

Part 1 - Wrong Turn (2003)
Part 2 - Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)
Part 3 - Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)
Part 4 - Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)
Part 6 - Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort
Reboot - Wrong Turn (2021)