10 CLOVERFIELD LANE (2016)

Meh.

Well, the good news is Mary Elizabeth Winstead didn't get kidnapped by Dr. Heiter from THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE.  The bad news is the guy (John Goodman) she did get kidnapped by is almost as equally insane. Unfortunately for the viewer though, this is a major studio release so naturally it's rated PG-13 and neutered as fuck.

The emasculated fun begins with Mary being run off the road and then waking up shackled in a basement.  I like where this is going!  Soon enough though, the already low amount of suspense drops to nothing when Mary and this other dude simply accept their being held captive by fruitcake Goodman.  You see, according to Goodman, there's been a worldwide disaster and he's "saving their lives" by holding them captive down in his underground bunker.  No television, no internet, no emergency broadcast radio signals, not even a goddamn periscope!  No proof at all (except for one predictable scene with highly convenient timing).  Things proceed in a predictable manner...well, for the entire movie.

Mediocre pace, okay acting, zero mystery, crap ending, zero gore, zero nudity, mild cussing, promising premise that goes nowhere.  I was actually excited when I sat down to watch this film, but as the it dragged on and on and hit every single predictable story point, my excitement faded into disappointment.  John Goodman and Mary Elizabeth Winstead both deserve better than this.  Worth a watch, I guess, if you're easily impressed, really bored and have zero imagination.

Same universe - Cloverfield (2008)
Same universe - The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)

Is this a reference to "Left 4 Dead"?

PRETTY IN PINK

THE DEVIL'S DISCIPLE (1959)

Set during the American Revolutionary War, THE DEVIL'S DISCIPLE tells the story of a quiet preacher (Burt Lancaster) who, despite the war getting closer and closer to his small town, lives a chill life with his annoying wife (Janette Scott).  On the opposite side of the coin you have Kirk Douglas who is the local bad boy...although we never actually never see him being naughty.  Anyway, once the British (lead by Gen. Laurence Olivier) show up, things get a little more exciting...but not by much.

Being a huge fan of the three leads, I really wanted to enjoy THE DEVIL'S DISCIPLE, but sadly, since the four main characters were all so badly constructed, I straight up didn't give a shit about any of them.  Even worse is Lancaster's wife screeches and wails nearly the entire movie.  It was Hell.  At one point Lancaster tells her to "Stop howling, woman!", but it didn't slow her down for a second.

Poorly written script, great actors with nothing to work with, zero tension, one really goofy fight scene, Lancaster standing still during an explosion, slow pace.  Not a bad film, but other than wanting to see Douglas, Lancaster and Olivier in action together there's little reason to watch it.

BONE TOMAHAWK (2015)

Set in the 1890's American West, BONE TOMAHAWK is a well made low-budget western about a quiet frontier town that wakes up one morning to find two of their citizens and one stranger missing and a stable boy gutted.  What the hell happened?  The last thing anybody knows is the local doctor was treating an injured prisoner while under the watch of a deputy.  Now they're all gone and the dude tending the horses was found with his innards pulled out.

After a little investigation, Sheriff Kurt Russell discovers that (I guess, unknown to him until just now) only a few days ride away there is a tribe of cannibalistic cave dwellers!  Sounds like something that a local sheriff would need to know about, but whatever.  Finally Sheriff Russell, another deputy and two townsfolk (including the female doctors husband) head out on horseback to rescue the kidnapping victims.  Things don't go quite as planned...not that they really had much of a plan at all.

Slow pace that actually fits the story, amazing cast, nice camerawork, cannibal indians that flip around like Cirque du Soleil performers, one gruesome kill scene, an injured guy with a broken leg suddenly appearing in a cave so high up a cliff face that everybody else has to be pulled up on a rope, unsatisfactory ending that hints at a sequel, Richard Jenkins' using some kind of annoying "old man" voice that got old real quick, beautiful scenery, Zahn McClarnon with way too small of a role.

Overall, BONE TOMAHAWK is a good film with a promising story that outstretched its budget (I would have dropped the broken leg bit and changed it so it was Sheriff Kurt's first week on the job after being brought in from out of state).  Worth a watch for fans of gritty westerns, but nothing to pull yer pud over.