ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK (1988)

TV horror movie hostess, Elvira, wants to have a song and dance act in Las Vegas, but can't afford the $50,000 security deposit.  Her luck changes though when she's informed of an unknown aunt who recently died and named Elvira in her will.  With dreams of untold riches dancing around in her head, Elvira travels to the small town of Fallwell, Massachusetts for the reading of the will only to find out that all she inherited was a rundown house, a cookbook and a dog.  To make matters even worse, her car broke down and now she's stuck in this small town ran by conservatives.

ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK is a fun movie, but it could have been much better with a R-rating, a better soundtrack and a non-sucky ending.  Naturally, Cassandra Peterson is the highlight of the movie.  She's funny, has great comedic timing and is (of course) beautiful.  Unfortunately, she doesn't have a lot to work with.  The town folk are all unremarkable, the bad guy is boring and the story is just kinda meh.  I really wish the whole witch burning aspect had been dropped and replaced with Elvira and the town folk butting heads until finally everybody learns to appreciate each other and Elvira hooks up with the guy who owns the movie theater and they convert it into a badass horror-only theater!  That's just my two cents, but I think it would have been better than the lame dance number ending they did have.  That was easily the worst scene of the movie.

For a wimpy, PG-13 1980's movie, ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK is mildly amusing, but it had the potential to be so much more. Also, in certain scenes, Elvira looks like 80's-era Blackie Lawless.

SCHOOL OF THE HOLY BEAST (1974)

"I can smell the foul odor of witches..."

Did you know that a full proof way of detecting if a woman is a witch or not is to pour a few gallons of salt water down her throat and then have her piss directly onto an image of Christ?  It's true!  If the urine touches Jesus then she's a witch and if miraculously the piss doesn't touch Christ's image then she's innocent.  As easy as that!

Free-spirited teenager Maya (Yumi Takigawa) goes undercover in a convent to find out what happened to her mother who used to be a nun there 18 years ago.  What she discovers is these nuns are pretty wild.  Lesbian sex, drinking and beatings are just the beginning.  These psychos are also into torture and murder!

SCHOOL OF THE HOLY BEAST's story might not be the greatest thing ever written, but it gets the job done and the direction by Noribumi Suzuki (who also co-wrote the script) is really good.  I loved the look and feel of the film.  It was just cool.  Strange story, bizarre camera angles, non-stop blasphemy, attractive nuns, incest, steady pace with lots of torture and female nudity.  What's there not to like?

KRAMPUS (2015)

Boasting a cast way better than the story deserves, KRAMPUS is about a kid who is so upset about people's lack of Christmas spirit that he rips up his heartfelt letter to Santa and tosses it out the window.  This causes Krampus and his minions to show up and start wrecking the joint.  It's kinda like how in XANADU when the artist got upset, ripped up his drawings and tossed the pieces out the window causing Olivia Newton-John and her sisters to show up and start wrecking the joint...with their awesome dance moves!

For a lightweight, PG-13 holiday horror film KRAMPUS is alright.  It's more like an extended episode of an 80's horror anthology show (like "Tales from the Darkside") than an actual horror movie. I am curious as to why the film was named after Krampus when Krampus himself didn't do anything?  For real.  The dude ran around out in the snow for a bit, sent in his minions to take care of everybody then at the very end of the film he just stood there staring at the kid.  The End.

No blood, no nudity, no gore, no scares, very little foul language, slow pace.  I was halfway entertained while watching it, but I didn't care at all about any of the characters. Worth a watch, I guess, but it's nothing to get excited about. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and drop a krampus of my own!