A SNAKE OF JUNE (2002)

"Am I in hell?"

Told with the sexual tension of a fistful of sun-dried aardvark shit being thrown against a wall, A SNAKE OF JUNE tells the surreal and blue-coloured story of a creepy dude (who might or might not have a robotic vacuum hose for a penis) who is stalking an unhappily married couple.  The wife is extremely sexually repressed (it's never explained why, but, I suspect, it has something to do with the fact that when she finally does have an orgasm...it sounded more like she was giving birth to a fully grown porcupine, than having pleasure.).  The husband is a weak-dick nerd who has no idea how to fuck properly.  It's sad.

Anyway, so this stalker dude blackmails the wife into doing solo sexual stuff in public and then kidnaps and beats the husband into finally being more manly...or something.  I don't know.  I watched the film twice and I felt like I was drifting in and out of consciousness both times.  Maybe it had something to do with all the sleeping pills I took, but who knows.  Anyway, ASOJ wasn't terrible, it just wasn't my cup of tea (at the time I watched it).  I normally like Shinya Tsukamoto more than this.  I kinda wish A SNAKE OF JUNE had been even weirder and more frantic.  Different casting of the married couple wouldn't have hurt things either.  They were both boring to look at.

Worth a viewing for fans of avant-garde cinema.

MULBERRY STREET (2006)

Filmed with what looks to be a camera found at the bottom of a swamp, MULBERRY STREET is the yawn-inducing tale of the residents of a crappy NYC apartment building during a city-wide ratpire* attack.  That could be exciting, except for the fact...the script fucking sucks.  First off, the intro/character build-up stuff takes forever and is slow as fuck.  A person of normal intelligence would bail on this turkey in like 5 minutes, but if, for whatever reason (like you were tied to a chair), you did stick around until the action starts...your only reward is poorly choreographed action scenes, a shit ending, more dim green-coloured lighting than inside Kermit the Frog's sex dungeon, YouTube-level special effects, jerky camera movements, unnecessarily grainy picture, zero gore, zero tits, zero scares, lame acting...MULBERRY STREET fucking blows.  I could go on, but I don't even give a fuck.

Outside of laughing at it with friends, I can't think of a single reason at all to watch MULBERRY STREET.  It's boring piece of fuck movie that made me rage so much that my friend was clutching his sides laughing.  Motherfucker had me watch it twice just so he could listen to me bitching.  That ain't cool.

* the word "ratpire" is never used in the film.  I just made that shit up.

BRONIES: THE EXTREMELY UNEXPECTED ADULT FANS OF MY LITTLE PONY (2012)

As somebody who knows very little about Brony culture or "My Little Pony", I was happy when I saw a documentary called BRONIES on the shelf at the video store.  I love learning about new stuff and I was hoping for a solid introduction into Bronydom.  Unfortunately, not only does BRONIES: THE EXTREMELY UNEXPECTED ADULT FANS OF MY LITTLE PONY have a horrible name, it's also so one-sided that it comes across more like a recruitment film than a honest documentary.  I like feel-good stories, but I also like documentaries that show all sides of a subject, both good and bad.  And one simple Google Search of "brony clop" will show you that not everything is 20% cooler in the Brony universe.

As a mega-upbeat propaganda piece, B:TEUAFOMLP is a fun watch.  It quickly introduces a few My Little Pony fans from different walks of life and different countries.  One guy talks about how he was attacked at a gas station (in his small town) due to the MLP stickers on his car.  Others talk about some of the MLP-based things they create (merch, a laser show, music).  Another is younger and his father doesn't seem to approve of his son being a Brony.  Another guy has Asperger's and MLP brings him out of his shell.  They all travel to different Bronycons and the rest of the film is just them being happy.  I enjoyed watching these people (and the other con attendees) having a good time, but by the end, the constant positivity started to get old.  Then again, I'm a grumpy fuck.

B:TEUAFOMLP might be the happy happy joy joy version of reality, but it's still an entertaining watch.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a 5 then bump it up by 20% to a 6. Brohoof, motherfuckers!