A CHINESE TORTURE CHAMBER STORY (1994)

"Unlimited sperms will born after being ejaculation."

I don't know how many times I've seen A CHINESE TORTURE CHAMBER STORY, but each time I can't help but giggle in awe of the complete insane brilliance of it all.  I honestly love this movie.

A CHINESE TORTURE CHAMBER STORY opens with various examples of torture used in China back in the day. The one where the guy is in so much pain he literally jumps out of his own skin was pretty surprising! After that, the police are called to the home of Little Cabbage, whose husband just died of "penis explosion".  Holy shit! They find a prescription for a high-powered aphrodisiac and piece together that she was working with the owner of the drug store to kill her husband. She claims that she's innocent (she is, she's been framed), but the crooked judge is determined to get her (and the drug store owner) to confess and he'll use every act of torture available to get them to confess to murder.

That story sounds serious, and I guess it is, but all of the cringe-worthy torture scenes are offset by the non-torture scenes which are completely wacky and often pretty funny. Example: there are two "heroes" who live in the forest and do nothing but kung-fu fuck nonstop. They knock over trees and fly through the air jackhammer fucking like psychopaths. Finally, the dude busts a nut and his geyser of jizz starts a fire!!!  There's also a flashback scene where an invisible rapist tries to rape Little Cabbage, but ends up raping her husband's mouth instead! 

ACTCS is not for everybody, but if you enjoy the crazier side of Cinema then you must check it out.  There's a fair amount of nudity and the main actress Yvonne Yung Hung is gorgeous! I have no idea how somebody as pretty as her even got hooked up in a crazy movie like this, but I'm glad she did, because she's a joy to watch.

Some of the atrocities shown: bare chested male tied to a burning oven; dick sliced off and replaced with feather; buried in dirt then scalp sliced open and a boiling liquid poured in; fingers crushed; fingernails ripped out; guillotined in half; wood under fingernails; suspended by head and weights added to waist; placed on wooden donkey and then violated with a giant wooden dildo while being paraded around town; raped with dildo; tits crushed; calves crushed; made to walk on knees across broken pottery; made to roll nude across giant bed of pins and so forth.

Part 2 - A Chinese Torture Chamber Story 2 (1998)

THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)

Teenager Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) lives with her aunt and uncle on their farm in rural Kansas.  It seems to be a pretty peaceful existence (riding her bicycle, singing in the yard, talking to the farmhands, etc.), but all of that comes to an end one afternoon when the wicked Miss Gulch gets an order from the sheriff to have Dorothy's dog, Toto, put to sleep.  In order to save Toto, Dorothy says "Deuces!" and jets out of there, but before she even gets down the road, she meets a kind man who talks her into going home.  Just then a tornado strikes!

Dorothy hides in her bedroom, while the rest of the family hunkers down in the tornado shelter.  Dorothy hits her head and has a wild as fuck vision about flying in her house to a fantasy land named Oz that is populated by witches, shit-talking apple trees with bad tempers, singing munchkins, evil flying monkeys, a horse with a colour malfunction and three delightful characters who she befriends: a scarecrow (who wants a brain), a tin man (who wants a heart) and a lion (who wants to be courageous).  Together, the four of them (and Toto!) set off down the "yellow brick road" to the Emerald City where the powerful Wizard of Oz can grant their wishes and return Dorothy back to Kansas.  Unfortunately, when Dorothy's house landed in Oz, it accidentally landed on the Wicked Witch of the West's sister and now WWW wants to beat Dorothy's ass.

It's difficult to give a critical analysis of TWOO since the film honestly feels like a part of my life.  I don't even remember the first time I saw it!  Anyway, I love THE WIZARD OF OZ.  Yeah, the story, when you really think about it, is kinda dumb, cause Miss Gulch is still going to have Toto put to death and the entire Oz story was most assuredly a result of Dorothy's head injury, but...it's still a great movie!  So, just like in YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU...who gives a fuck what happens after the end credits roll?!!!  Fuck it!

Excellent pace, groundbreaking use of colour photography, amazing art direction and costumes, great performances (especially Margaret Hamilton as the Wicked Witch of the West, who scared the living fuck out of me as a kid!) and quite possibly the best song in movie history: "Over the Rainbow".

THE WIZARD OF OZ is beyond required viewing and one of the most influential films of the Golden Age of Hollywood.

Game idea: sometimes, when I watch TWOO, I only watch Toto. She (yes, Terry was a she) is so much fun to watch!

Above and below: no ruby slippers.