FROM HELL (2001)

On a scale of 0 - 10 I'd give FROM HELL a solid 4. The story of Jack the Ripper is one of the greatest in all of serial killer history, but yet the makers of this movie somehow figured out a way to make it dry and boring, even with an talented an actor as Johnny Depp in the main role.

Depp plays a police inspector who is aided by psychic visions (say what?), he also likes to "chase the dragon" with the help of opium and absinthe. Depp is not surprised when the first murder happens because he saw it all in a dream.  Oh brother! The victim is a prostitute and as Depp delves deeper into the mystery he discovers that there is a organized conspiracy afoot! He also discovers that he would like to delve deep into hooker Heather Graham.

That's all well and good (even though I'm not much of a believer in the cult conspiracy theory), but the overall feel of the movie is just wrong. It feels like a movie. Everything looks like a movie set and I wasn't drawn into the story for even a second. Very little blood, zero gore, zero tits, zero tension, not dark or gritty at all, small amount of cleavage, nothing new to add to the Jack the Ripper story and a script so pathetic I'm actually surprised that this film even got made. Out of all of the hundreds of Jack the Ripper scripts that I'm sure are floating around Hollywood this was the best one?!! Bullshit. Skip it with a vengeance.

If you need me I'll be in my room reading Caleb Carr's masterful "The Alienist". Yes, I know it has nothing to do with the Jack the Ripper case, but it's still awesome!

If there was really cheap hookers like this (the one on the left) back in 1888 then I'm gonna go fire up the ol' time machine! BRB.

GOBLIN (2010)

A family goes to visit a small town in the middle of nowhere because the father was invited to discuss a real estate deal. Unfortunately, it's Halloween and the town is cursed due to a baby vs. bonfire incident back in 1831 and now every Halloween, a "goblin" (who incidentally looks nothing like the creature on the DVD cover above) rises from the (still existing) ashes of the bonfire to go on the prowl for yummy baby flesh.

Surprisingly, GOBLIN was better than I expected it to be, then again I expected it to suck.  The acting and production values were better than it really should have been and the story had a nice amount of twists and turns to keep the viewer interested. The main problem is the goblin itself. For the majority of the film he ran around in a oversized black hood and clawed people to death, then at the end when he's finally unveiled in all his CGI glory he looked like crap.

Interesting low-budget horror, but with zero nudity, very little blood/gore, dwindling pace, an unappealing monster and forgettable characters I can't recommend it. It's not horrible, but there just so many other superior horror movies out there that I can't with a clean conscience recommend you spend your time watching GOBLIN.  It's kind of a pointless movie.  Honestly, you'd have a much better time watching an old episode of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011)

[Update 01/26/2021: This review is fuck all.  Need to 100% redo this turd.]

 

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES starts with some scientists trying out some experimental drugs on some chimpanzees. Stuff happens and the chimps are put down, but the lead scientist (James Franco) discovers a baby chimp hidden in the smartest chimp's cage. James sneaks the chimp, named Caesar, home and is surprised when he discovers his mother passed down the effects of the drugs down to her child. Within a few years, Caesar is smarter than all of the fans of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" combined!!!

As he gets older Caesar loves James, but he is troubled by his role as a "pet". After an unfortunate event he is sent to a primate sanctuary ran by some sadistic assholes. It's there that Caesar comes to understand the role of apes in a human world. After his spirit is broken by his mistreatment and his mistaken belief that James as abandoned him, Caesar becomes determined to lead his fellow apes to a better life.

I liked this movie, but wish it had been darker and a little more epic. I understand that Caesar doesn't want a violent revolution, he just wants to live in peace, but I'm hoping that Part 2 is violent as shit. That would be awesome! Apes just going fucking nuts and killing the shit out of humans. Ripping out intestines. Even without the violence, I liked the story and it looks to be the beginning of a promising series.

Recommended, especially if you are anti-human, but even if not it's still highly entertaining and I think I might need to do some catching up on this entire series.

 

Part 1 -Planet of the Apes (1968)

Part 2 - Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

Part 3 - Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)

Part 4 - Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)

Part 5 - Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

Remake 1 - Planet of the Apes (2001)

Reboot Part 2 – Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Reboot Part 3 – War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)