GOBLIN (2010)

A family goes to visit a small town in the middle of nowhere because the father was invited to discuss a real estate deal. Unfortunately, it's Halloween and the town is cursed due to a baby vs. bonfire incident back in 1831 and now every Halloween, a "goblin" (who incidentally looks nothing like the creature on the DVD cover above) rises from the (still existing) ashes of the bonfire to go on the prowl for yummy baby flesh.

Surprisingly, GOBLIN was better than I expected it to be, then again I expected it to suck.  The acting and production values were better than it really should have been and the story had a nice amount of twists and turns to keep the viewer interested. The main problem is the goblin itself. For the majority of the film he ran around in a oversized black hood and clawed people to death, then at the end when he's finally unveiled in all his CGI glory he looked like crap.

Interesting low-budget horror, but with zero nudity, very little blood/gore, dwindling pace, an unappealing monster and forgettable characters I can't recommend it. It's not horrible, but there just so many other superior horror movies out there that I can't with a clean conscience recommend you spend your time watching GOBLIN.  It's kind of a pointless movie.  Honestly, you'd have a much better time watching an old episode of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011)

[Update 01/26/2021: This review is fuck all.  Need to 100% redo this turd.]

 

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES starts with some scientists trying out some experimental drugs on some chimpanzees. Stuff happens and the chimps are put down, but the lead scientist (James Franco) discovers a baby chimp hidden in the smartest chimp's cage. James sneaks the chimp, named Caesar, home and is surprised when he discovers his mother passed down the effects of the drugs down to her child. Within a few years, Caesar is smarter than all of the fans of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" combined!!!

As he gets older Caesar loves James, but he is troubled by his role as a "pet". After an unfortunate event he is sent to a primate sanctuary ran by some sadistic assholes. It's there that Caesar comes to understand the role of apes in a human world. After his spirit is broken by his mistreatment and his mistaken belief that James as abandoned him, Caesar becomes determined to lead his fellow apes to a better life.

I liked this movie, but wish it had been darker and a little more epic. I understand that Caesar doesn't want a violent revolution, he just wants to live in peace, but I'm hoping that Part 2 is violent as shit. That would be awesome! Apes just going fucking nuts and killing the shit out of humans. Ripping out intestines. Even without the violence, I liked the story and it looks to be the beginning of a promising series.

Recommended, especially if you are anti-human, but even if not it's still highly entertaining and I think I might need to do some catching up on this entire series.

 

Part 1 -Planet of the Apes (1968)

Part 2 - Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

Part 3 - Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)

Part 4 - Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)

Part 5 - Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

Remake 1 - Planet of the Apes (2001)

Reboot Part 2 – Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Reboot Part 3 – War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

 

THE DEBT (2010)

In 1966, three spies (two males, one female) were sent undercover into East Berlin to hunt down and kidnap an infamous Nazi war criminal. Naturally, being young and sexy the three spies cannot resist their primal urges to knock boots. This lack of discipline ends up screwing up their entire mission, so they do the next best thing and just lie about it. Hell, I could do that! Did I ever tell you about how back when I was a spy in Vietnam I accidentally found Hitler alive and teaching sign language at a school for limbless blind children? Just to be safe, I C4'ed the school and the entire village surrounding it then time-traveled to 7955 and moved to Io where I now "time-blog" back to the early 2000's. True story. Anyway, back to the movie: in 1997 word comes out that the Nazi dude is still alive so Helen Mirren (the older version of the 1966 spy) has to locate and kill him in order to pay her "debt".

Ehh, interesting story, but the jumping from 1966 to 1997 back and forth nonstop was uncalled for and irritating. I would rather just see the story from beginning to end. I think all of the jumping stuff was just the filmmakers trying to cover up the fact there was only like 45 minutes worth of actual story in this 113 minute movie. Another thing that confused my simple little brain was the two guys back in 1966, I had a hard time figuring out which was which. They looked a lot a like and neither resembled their 1997 versions. I finally figured it out, but even then it was still distracting. Of the three, I guess, the female was suppose to be the character the viewer sympathized with, but she came off almost like an emotionless robot.

Oh well, OK film with an interesting story, just badly executed. I would like to see what somebody else could do with the same story. Worth watching, but don't expect anything life changing or really anything you'll even remember in three months time. As for me, I will never watch it ever again.  I have much better things to do in good ol' 7955.  Like watch BACK TO THE FUTURE!