NEEDFUL THINGS (1993)

Extremely watered down version of Stephen King's classic novel about an elderly gentleman, Leland Gaunt, who opens a mysterious antique shop in the quiet town of Castle Rock, Maine. Sounds innocent enough except that Leland Gaunt is actually an ancient and sinister creature who sells more than antiques. What he sells are people's secret desires and he doesn't accept money, instead he only accepts deeds and in this way he slowly turns all of the people in Castle Rock against each other. In the book there's much, much more going on but in this slimmed down movie version it's pretty cut and dry. It is nice seeing the town of Castle Rock brought to life, but there is just so much missing that honestly I wish they had never even made this movie. It would have been better off as a one season TV series on HBO. I did go through the trouble of finding and purchasing the three hour version and it is better, but the picture is so goddamn dreadful that I couldn't even watch it all (screenshots below).

If you've never read the book and you have no intention of reading the book, then I guess this movie version is entertaining enough, but the violence is weak and the whole thing just seems like a smaller version of something much bigger. I can't recommend it.  The only bright spot is Max von Sydow as Leland Gaunt.  He's excellent. Read the book and just forget this movie even exists.

Three hour version screenshots:

CRISS CROSS (1949)

"I wish we'd never met."

Burt Lancaster and Yvonne De Carlo have been in a troubled on-again-off-again relationship for years. At one point they were even married!  The marriage only lasted for a few months though before they busted up and Burt hit the road (for over a year) in hopes of getting her out of his system.  It didn't work, cause now he's back and immediately looking for her.  Well, he finds her and quickly discovers that she's now the main squeeze of a local gangster (Dan Duryea), but that's not gonna slow him down though. Ohhh no, not this idiot.  He's head over heels for this chick, no matter how bad is gets.  He even goes so far as to agree to be the inside man on an armored car heist!!! Holy fook!

CRISS CROSS is a highly entertaining film packed into a tight 87 minutes and it has a lot of things going for it.  Most notably Burt Lancaster, director Robert Siodmak, a pre-"Munsters" Yvonne De Carlo, an uncredited appearance by a young Tony Curtis and nice photography by Franz Planer.

If you're into film noir, then I say check it out. I think you'll enjoy it.

TURISTAS (2006)

[This review is for the 96-minute "unrated" version.]

A small group of twenty-something tourists (who within 30 seconds of them being on the screen I wanted to beat them all to death in the worse possible way...that's right: while listening to a Will Smith album) are in Brazil for a fun-filled vacation of boozing and boozing. These motherfuckers are the most ready-to-party motherfuckers you will ever see. Immediately after their bus rolls off the side of a mountain, leaving them stranded...they go boozin' and swimming in the ocean instead of waiting on the replacement bus. Naturally, they are drugged and robbed by the locals, so now with nothing but the clothes on their back what do they do? Follow some random dude into the jungle so they can go party in the river! The party comes to an end though when their guide accidentally bashes his skull on an underwater rock. They carry the injured dude to a nearby house and act like they own the place: eating all the food, taking showers, stealing the clothes, drinking all the booze and raiding the medicine cabinet.  Anyway, it's Bad News Bears for them though because the house just happens to belong to a human organ harvester who, when he returns, is more than willing to let them repay the damages they did to his crib with their kidneys and livers.

TURISTAS might have a promising premise, but the execution is so lightweight that it's actually more of a dramatic thriller than a horror movie. There's nothing scary going on, just a bunch of annoying douchers being chased around by a non-scary dude and his boring helpers...and that's only during the final act of the movie! The first hour of the film is nonstop talking, walking, boozing, swimming and more talking.

I didn't hate the film. I just found the entire thing extremely pointless. Skip it with a vengeance and never look back. You will gain absolutely nothing by watching this by-the-numbers snoozer.  Go play Far Cry 3 instead.