THE SKIN I LIVE IN (2011)

[Update 4/12/2020: This review is garbage.  I'm deleting it.  I can do better. Just have to fine the time. My advice: watch the movie. It's great.]

"He watched intoxicated by the smell of burned flesh."

CENTURION (2010)

I have no idea how historically accurate this movie is and I don't care, because it was a lot of fun to watch. Set in 117 AD, CENTURION is about a Roman soldier, Michael Fassbender, stationed in a remote outpost in what I'm guessing is modern day Scotland. The inhabitants of the land, the Picts, aren't so happy about the Roman invaders, but they're doing a very good job of fighting them off by using a primitive form of guerrilla warfare. After one intense raid on the Roman fort (one Roman dude got a spear to the dick while he was pissing!), Fassbender is taken prisoner because he can speak the Pict language.

At the same time, the local governor wants to make an impression on the administration back in Rome so he sends the Ninth Legion to wipe out the Picts completely. Stuff happens and after a few exciting scenes, the Ninth has been massacred except for a captured general and seven soldiers who remain free. The soldiers head out to rescue the general. A lot more happens but you'll just have to check it out for yourself.

I really enjoyed this movie. The story was fast and entertaining as hell, strong direction, the action was awesome (this one dude gets an arrow in the back during a fight so he breaks it off and stabs the person he's fighting in the eye with it! Holy fuck!), the scenery was absolutely beautiful (make sure to watch the Extras on the DVD for more about the filming conditions), the main tracker chick was a badass and you got Michael Fassbender. I'm mean fuck what else do you want?! Hot naked chicks? Well, yeah that would have nice but it didn't happen. Sorry.

Hot naked chicks aside, if you enjoy gritty, action-packed hack and slash movies then check out CENTURION.

UNCERTAIN GLORY (1944)

WWII.  Errol Flynn is a prisoner in Nazi-controlled Paris who is literally walking out to the guillotine when an air raid blows up a bunch of shit and he escapes (kinda like in Skyrim 62 years later). After a brief taste of freedom, he's tracked down and apprehended by an Inspector (Paul Lukas). During the train ride back to Paris the Inspector reads a newspaper story about how a saboteur blew up a nearby bridge and if the saboteur isn't caught within three days the Nazis are going to execute 100 innocent men. Flynn preys on the Inspector's patriotism and tells him that he'll turn himself in as the saboteur in order to free the innocent men. He's just saying this in order to find an convenient moment to escape. How noble. But of course you would have to be a complete fucking idiot not to expect Flynn to have turn of heart by the end of the film, most likely because of a beautiful girl. And...

That's exactly what happens. How exciting. I was mildly entertained by Flynn just because I'm a fan of his acting style, but even at 102 minutes this movie seemed like it went on for like 150. I own it, because it's part of the "Errol Flynn Adventures" box set, but while I'll definitely be revisiting OBJECTIVE, BURMA! and EDGE OF DARKNESS,UNCERTAIN GLORY will never ever see that light of day again. I hope it enjoys it's spot on the shelf.

Skip it with a vengeance and take a nap instead.