THEM! (1954)

[Update 05/10/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely.]

One of the very first giant monster movies of the 50's, THEM! opens quite matter of factly with two cops investigating a mysterious girl found walking alone in the desert.  I really like this approach because it plays off like a mystery movie then suddenly out of nowhere...giant ants!!!  A team is assembled, including FBI agent James Arness, to locate and raid the ant nest.  They do, but not before some of the flying queen ants escape to parts unknown.  So now they have to track down the queens and kill them before the ants take over the world.

Audiences nowadays will probably be bored to tears, but movie nerds with a curiosity about classic sci-fi will get a kick out of.  I especially enjoyed seeing a young James Whitmore and a pre-"Gunsmoke" James Arness, although I do wish there had been a building crushing rampage scene like the poster promises.  Worth a one time watch.

GHOST SHIP (2002)

More like ghost shit, amirite?

GHOST SHIP wasn't as good as I was expecting...and I was expecting it to suck.  The story is about a long lost snooze ship that's just floatin' around out in the ocean for like 40 years when some salvage dudes find it.  Nothing happens for a long time until eventually the salvage crew figures out that there's more to this ship than meets the eye.  They try to escape but it's too late...they're firmly in the sleep inducing clutches of a ghost.  A really boring ghost.

Zero scares, zero gore, zero logic, shitty CG, piss poor topless scene, zero fucks given.  I'm sure there's some people out there who love GHOST SHIP, but I'm not one of them and I can't even see why it's even considered a "horror" movie cause nothing even remotely scary happens the entire movie.  The story has potential, but flushes it all away.  Skip it with a vengeance.

If you need me I'll be in my room watching the ghost ship episode of The X-Files.

THE APPARITION (2012)

The only reason to watch this stinker is Ashley Greene.

Young couple live in a big house.  Creepy stuff starts to happen cuz somebody pissed off a ghost.  Yawn.

Zero scares, zero blood, zero gore, zero tits, zero sense.  Fuck this boring turd.