Tuesday, April 24, 2012

CREATURE (2011)

Despite not one, not two, but three topless scenes (including one where the chick gets completely naked) CREATURE is not a good film. As expected a group of annoying douchers, who talk in ways that no human in real life has ever carried on a conversation ever, are on a road trip through the backwoods when they decide to take a detour to see an old abandoned, haunted shack way off in a swamp. That sounds like a great idea! Naturally the half human/half alligator creature that lives nearby doesn't take kindly to annoying douchers creeping around in his woods, but oh no! It can't be that simple. Oh no. The filmmakers felt it was important to add a stupid twist to the story. How exciting!

You know what? Instead of wasting my time with an unneeded twist how about you just make a straightforward monster creature movie that's fucking good. I don't want a goddamn twist, I want a goddamn gnarly as fuck monster killing people in awesome ways with lots of blood and gore and excitement and attractive naked chicks. CREATURE had none of these things. The story took forever to take off and then when the killing finally started the Creature looked like crap, the special effects sucked, the violence was almost nonexistent and in the case of the boss fight at the end it was nonexistent!!! It took place entirely off screen! Have you ever (not) seen anything like that in your life? I couldn't believe it.

Forget it. I'm done. Skip the movie and if you're dumb enough to watch it anyways, I hope you, at least, find it good to laugh at. If you need me, I'll be in my room watching RAWHEAD REX.
Look at the pubes on this motherfucker!

Remember back when Sid did real acting?