ILLUSION TRAVELS BY STREETCAR (1954)

Straightforward Bunuel film about two transportation service employees who get all sad when they find out that their favorite streetcar, #133, is being taken out of service and slated to be dismantled.

Later that night they get shitfaced and come up with the brilliant idea of taking the ol' girl out on one last spin around the block. They do, but end up picking up passengers! The same thing happens wherever they go and no matter how hard they try they can't get back to the depot.

Amusing idea and since this was directed by Bunuel, I was expecting the story to be deeper or dreamier or more surreal than it was, which not very much at all. That was disappointing. Bunuel didn't write the script and it shows, but then again this was the mid-50's and if you look at his other films made during this period of his Mexican exile they are all pretty straightforward, including 1954's WUTHERING HEIGHTS (which was very good) and 1954's THE ADVENTURES OF ROBINSON CRUSOE. Although MEXICAN BUS RIDE (1952) did have that great dream sequence.

Bunuel fans should check it out, but I would imagine that pretty much everybody else would fall asleep. Personally I liked it and would gladly watch it again.

CHINAMAN (2005)

Keld is a middle-aged plumber with nothing going on in his life. During the opening scene his wife leaves him and he's completely lost. He starts eating at a neighborhood Chinese grill each evening and after a water pipe explosion he befriends the owner, Feng. One day Feng innocently asks Keld if he'd be interested in marrying his sister, Ling, until she becomes a citizen. Short on money and owing money to his ex-wife from the divorce Keld reluctantly agrees. The marriage is just for show and no "hanky-panky" is suppose to happen, but Keld soon falls for Ling gentle spirit and she to his wounded one.

I only have one complaint about this movie and you'll know what it is when you watch it, other than that I really, really liked this movie. I especially liked how it was just straightforward and simple, but still very powerful.  Kinda like a good short story. A lot of the credit for that goes to the main actor Bjarne Henriksen who I've never heard of before, but he was great! Reminded me a lot of a younger Gerard Depardieu. Also Vivian Wu is absolutely beautiful. Her performance is very subtle, but still moving.

Everybody involved with this film should be very proud of themselves.  It's an excellent film. If you like quite, romantic films then it's worth checking out.

BIG WARS (1993)

Four-hundred years or so in the future, humans are having a huge war on Mars versus some alien motherfuckers that can take over humans minds and turn them into spies or terrorists. That's all well and good, but it takes fucking forever for any action to take place. The first hour is wasted on some boring horseshit about a ship captain and his ex-girlfriend who's now a spy, blah,blah, blah. Nobody gives a shit. Just get to the killing and the "big war" goddamn it!!!

Finally during the last twenty minutes some action takes place and it's alright, but by this point I just wanted it to end. Boring as fuck story, way too confusing and the animation is only so-so. I never want to see this movie again as long as I live. Skip it with a vengeance.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983)

A group of graduating seniors (who all look to be in their early 40's) throw an extremely stupid prank on their housemother and she ends up dying. Later that day, people start dropping like flies.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW is alright and definitely watchable, but it's just so dated and slow that I cannot imagine that modern audiences would give a fuck about this movie at all. A few tits, zero gore, zero original kills, zero wet t-shirt contests, a stupid story that's way too complicated, the Final Girl is annoying, the killer dresses like a harlequin.

Watch it if you want, but don't blame me if you fall asleep.

Remake - Sorority Row (2009)

BLOOD BEACH (1980)

[Update 09/06/2020: Deleted all of the shitty looking screenshots. Will fix it when I have time.]

Shitty movie. I paid $3 for a copy and I still got ripped off! I can't even imagine the amount of sadness and disappointment BLOOD BEACH caused back in the early 80's when teenagers hoping for some good weekend scares rented this turkey from their local neighborhood video store. Poor bastards.

People are disappearing left and right at a local beach in Los Angeles. The police aren't smart enough to actually put cops on patrol all along the beach, so people keep getting sucked into sinkholes. That's really about it. It's an alright idea, it worked great for TREMORS, but the people in charge here aren't the charming characters from TREMORS.  Instead we have way, way too much time wasted on following the police around.

If you're going to have a movie about a killer creature stalking the visitors of a beach why make it a boring public beach? Why not the beach of a exclusive sex resort?! That way you can have the greedy owners hiding the facts about the deaths and then have all the victims be the semi-naked and fully naked drunken sex tourists!!! Of course, you have to make them all extremely hot. Also, when a creature snatches a victim make it look like they're slowly being lowered into a giant blender with 200 gallons of blood and intestines spraying a hundred feet into the air.

Zero nudity, zero blood or gore, no attractive women, the world's most inept cops and a lame looking monster that's only onscreen for 5 seconds. Skip it.

SORORITY ROW (2009)

A group of six annoying sorority sisters pull an insanely stupid prank that unsurprisingly ends up killing somebody. The sisters hide the body and go on with their lives. A few months later, a mysterious killer (wearing a gratuation outfit of all things) shows up and starts killing people with a "pimped out" tire iron. Good grief. There's around 10 killings and they're all pretty average.

Overall, SORORITY ROW is not a good film, but it's just so dumb and cheesy that it's impossible not to giggle at it. Over the years I've watched this film like 5 times (if not more) and I always seem to enjoy it. It's just so dumb and innocent. A fun look back to cheesy 00's-era slashers.

A few super brief nude scenes.

Original - The House of Sorority Row (1983)