Sunday, May 7, 2023

FALL (2022)

"Hashtag, super badass."

Two annoying fucks who are almost too stupid to live (as proven by Annoying Fuck #2’s driving skills) decide the best way to deal with Annoying Fuck #1’s husband’s death (due to him being a dumb fuck) is to climb a 2,000+ foot high television broadcasting tower and dump his ashes off the top. Did I mention that the tower is decommissioned and has been left to the elements for Satan only knows how long? Anyway, these dumb fucks finally get to the tower, and it looks like a death trap.  So without any gloves or even telling anybody their location, they start climbing this dilapidated pile of rust. Shit happens and about 15 “fuck that shit” comments by me later, they finally get to the small landing at the top. Once there, they do even more dumb shit and then a long section of the crappy ass ladder that looks like it came up from the wreckage of the Titanic just falls straight the fuck off the tower. Now these two idiots are stuck like Chuck without a plan, so, naturally, they start talking about their feelings.

Visually, FALL looks good enough.  It had me puckered up a number of times. I enjoyed those moments of vertigo, but goddamn, the character development and the dialogue was complete buzzard piss! I absolutely hated the two main characters. There are about 666 ways that a talented writer could get some likeable characters up a tall tower and still maintain audience sympathy, but nope. Instead, we got two annoying fucks who I wanted to dropkick into an industrial tree shredder.

Medium pace, zero gore, zero nudity, cringe dialogue overload, disappointing ending, an iPhone that somehow sends messages on its own even after failing earlier, an iPhone battery with incredible life, a drone with amazing range, somehow downloading the drone app onto your phone despite not having a signal, needless story twists that annoyed me and put me in a grumpy mood.  Grr.  Bad things aside, I did enjoy the story idea and will definitely watch another Fall film, if they decide to make another one.

Story idea for a Fall spin-off: A religious leader has a 2,000-foot tower built out of precious metals and jewels. He climbs a ladder to the top of the tower (streamed live on TV and the internet). Once at the top, the ladder falls away. He then calls for his followers pay $100 to buy a special permit for permission to commit suicide at the base of the tower in order to create a pile of bodies high enough for him to walk down. They do and once the pile is high enough, he calls in a helicopter to whisk him away. His followers praise him for being so resourceful and caring.

[Post-review comment: Yes, I did notice that my story idea from the 47 METERS DOWN review was in this movie, but I meant for it to be used in a good way. Not a lame one. Better luck next time.]