THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG (1975)

Set back in the Old West days, THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG is about a traveling gambler (Bill Bixby) who inadvertently gets saddled with three annoying punk kids. I hate them. And everybody in town hates them also. That is…until the kids discover a huge chunk of gold! Now suddenly everybody wants to adopt these annoying (and wealthy) fucks. At the same time, two bumbling idiots (Don Knotts and Tim Conway) devise several goofy ideas to steal the gold.

Tim Conway and Don Knotts are by far the best part of the movie. Their stupid shenanigans are kinda funny, but not really. When they were on screen, I was amused. When they weren’t, I was not amused and struggled to pay attention to the run-of-the-mill story.

So, should you watch these apple dumpling motherfuckers? Ehhh. If you were born after 1980, then probably not. It’s pretty dated. But for fans of older cinema, it was a treat to see so many familiar faces like Slim Pickens, Harry Morgan, Susan Clark and John McGiver hamming it up in a light-hearted kids movie. Medium pace, a few mildly funny jokes, simple story. THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG is an okay lazy afternoon time-waster. But, if you’re looking for some classic Conway-Knotts hijinks then check out THE PRIVATE EYES. I’ve seen that fucker like 50 times and I still crack up at the bullshit they get up to in that movie. “She’s gone! She’s gooooonnne!!!”

Part 2 - The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979)

LEFT BEHIND: RISE OF THE ANTICHRIST (2023)

I love Jesus as much as the next motherfucker, but goddamn, I wish my fellow Christians would at least try to learn some storytelling / moviemaking skills. Right from the opening credits, things look bleak (or promising if you’re a fan of bad movies) when a condescending narrator and a smug news reporter both start talking separately (while stock footage plays) about something called “The Vanishing” where “tens of millions” of humans simply disappeared without a trace. We’re then introduced to a tech billionaire (Neal McDonough) who seems to be up to some sinister shenanigans and a sad Vanishing widower (Kevin Sorbo) standing in a closet smelling his disappeared wife’s clothing and moping around the house like a loser. Then, much to my horror (glee), we’re reintroduced to the newscaster guy who I thought was a bit player but is actually the main character! Oh, the horror, the horror. It’s awesome! Anyway, the news reporter guy is investigating a rising political figure who might actually be the Antichrist. And...I guess that's it. The extent of the entire movie.  Oh yeah, the newscaster is dating Sorbo's character's daughter.  What a small world.

I wanted to enjoy this movie (I absolutely love the idea of The Rapture) but LEFT BEHIND: RISE OF THE ANTICHRIST was a huge disappointment.  I was really hoping for some hardcore psychotic Christian drama, but nope.  It's just too weak and uninspired to be enjoyable. The story is a mess and never goes anywhere, but even worse is the look of the film. I don’t know what you call the bland look of this movie, but honestly, it was fucking offensive. It felt like everything had been drained of its life and humanity. Colin Robinson from What We Do in the Shadows couldn’t even make something this dull and lifeless!

Good acting by the three main professional actors (Neal McDonough, Corbin Bernsen and Bailey Chase), offensively soulless cinematography, bland sets, dead script filled with dead dialogue, zero tension, zero nudity, not even one song by the band Throat Piss, disappointing ending, one scene with a Jesusvision effect that was kind of neat, a guy noticing a car bomb and instead of running away just stands there screaming (I went back and timed it, he had 5 seconds to get away), some innocent grave robbing for Christ, simplistic script about a worldwide event but only focuses on a few people, some innocent littering for Christ, not enough preaching, not enough stuff about the antichrist, multiple scenes where the cameraperson was visible, a couple of salvation scenes that were very subdued and disappointing, drab colours, boring music, illegally flying a small aircraft over downtown New York City with no issue at all.

Overall, LEFT BEHIND: RISE OF THE ANTICHRIST is worth watching if you enjoy cheesy cinema, but if you're looking for a serious film then skip it.

Original series
Left Behind: The Movie (2000)
Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)
Left Behind: World at War (2005)

Reboot
Left Behind (2014)

Spin-off
Vanished - Left Behind: Next Generation (2016)

QUICKSILVER (1986)

Hot shot stock trader Kevin Bacon loses all of his money (and his parent’s duckets) in a bad business deal. He gets depressed and decides to become a hot shot bicycle messenger instead. The End.

While doing research for this review, I was kinda surprised to discover that QUICKSILVER was a box office dud back in 1986. For some reason, I thought it was popular movie. But nope, it stunk up the joint so bad that it didn’t even make its budget back. Fun fact: in its 3rd week of release, QUICKSILVER was only a few hundred grand ahead of BACK TO THE FUTURE which was in its 35th week. Yikes!

Anyway, box office poison or not, I enjoyed watching QUICKSILVER (in 2024) for the nostalgic value but can understand why it didn’t connect with audiences back in 1986: it’s way too serious, the stock market stuff didn’t even make any sense, the soundtrack was weak and there just wasn’t enough Kevin Bacon. Audiences were probably expecting some kind of FOOTLOOSE-style party movie with everyday man Kevin pedaling in and out of traffic showing off his tight buns while romancing a local rich girl who is too snooty to date a lowly bicycle messenger.  (Think, Billy Joel's 1983 music video for Uptown Girl.)  They also probably expected it to be set in New York City, because even though I saw this movie back in the 1980’s I still expected it to be set in NYC! I totally forgot that it was set in San Francisco.

Solid acting, disjointed story that’s too depressing, weak direction, a cool looking person in the art gallery scene that needed way more screentime, up and down pace, exciting bicycle scenes, stock market storyline that probably alienated some audience members, good supporting cast, a quick Michael Myers (from HALLOWEEN II) sighting, an even quicker Al Leong sighting, wall ads for CORRUPT (1983) and THE HUNGER (1983), a car sparking before it grinds against a wall, zero nudity, zero gore, two depressing scenes with Kevin's spiritbroken parents that were huge bummers, an interesting bicycle / ballet dancing scene early on that I wish had changed the tone of the movie into something more uplifting, a backyard dinner scene that kinda reminded me of the backyard dinner scenes from the Fast & Furious movies.

Worth a watch for Bacon completionists, but nothing to get overly excited about. I'd love to see a remake or reboot.