RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 (1993)

Twenty-four-year-old teenagers Julie and Curt are just so in love it makes you wanna puke. Julie especially loves Curt’s big, throbbing security card that he stole from his military father. They use the card to observe a poorly secured Top Secret experiment involving zombies. Watching dead humans getting chopped up and shot in the head gets Julie all worked up so they go back to Curt’s crib to boink. During said boink session, Julie gets topless and cannot stop talking about the anguish of the dead. This kills Curt’s nerd boner and he takes out his frustrations by arguing with his father. Afterwards, Curt shows off his lack of motorcycle driving skills by launching Julie into a utility pole. She ded and Curt’s still horny so he sneaks her warm cadaver back into the military base and pumps her...full of 2-4-5 Trioxin gas. Bad idea.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 might have "Return of the Living Dead" in the title, but outside of the corpses in the 2-4-5 Trioxin gas barrels there’s really no connection to the original film at all. Which sucks because the original is one of the most imaginative and fun zombie movies of all time. That said, the first half of this film is actually a lot of fun. Especially the chase scenes after Julie’s reanimation. (Is it my imagination or is the convenience store scene very well written and presented?) Unfortunately, the second half of the movie just bogs down and doesn’t go anywhere. Although Julie’s transformation was pretty bad ass.

Long story short, ROTLD3 is a fun throwback time capsule to a more innocent time in the horror movie world. It’s not a great film, but there are certain aspects about it that are great. So, that said, if you got an open mind about such things then it’s worth checking out. Honestly, an expanded novelization of this story with be fantastic and super fun to read.

P.S. That old Ministry poster is awesome!

Part 1 - The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Part 2 - Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)
Part 4 - Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis (2005)
Part 5 - Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)

FRANCIS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE (1956)

Francis series regulars Donald O'Connor and Chill Wills and series director Arthur Lubin didn’t appear in this film. Why? I have no clue. I wish I did know, but I don’t.

The film opens with two men tumbling a boulder down a hill overlooking a secluded road. The boulder hits a passing car and kills the driver. The murder is witnessed by none other than our old buddy Francis the shit talking mule. Francis calls a dude (Mickey Rooney) who used to ride Francis when he was a kid and Francis lived on the boy’s uncle’s farm. What the fuck? Why does it have to be so complicated? Anyway, this dude, David Prescott, is nearly as bumbling as Peter Stirling was and within just a few hours of Francis telling him about the murder…David’s arrested for the murder himself! Fucking idiot. Eventually, David escapes from police custody with the help of Francis and they go creeping around the bowels of a local haunted castle looking to solve the murder themselves. That sounds more exciting than it actually was.

When I first heard the name FRANCIS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE I was like "Whoa, Francis versus a bunch of ghosts! That's awesome!" I was picturing all kinds of wacky Scooby-Doo hijinks with snippets of THE GHOST IN THE INVISIBLE BIKINI and GHOST OF DRAGSTRIP HOLLOW added into the mix. Maybe even some damsels in need of saving. But nope, no ghosts or ghouls or bloodthirsty apes, hell, not even a lot of Francis. At least a not enough for me.

Weak story, uninspired script, okay acting, impressive supporting cast full of familiar faces including Richard Deacon, Timothy Carey, David Janssen (in his third Francis series appearance) and William Boyett (who you probably remember from 1987's THE HIDDEN), boring action scenes, zero substantial female roles. FRANCIS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE is an alright film. I wanted to like the movie more than I did, but the whole thing just left me wanting more and never getting it. Worth watching for completionists, but that's about it.

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)