SANTA JAWS (2018)

For Christmas a teenage boy gets an ink pen that will (unknowingly to him) bring anything drawn with it to life. He draws a shark wearing a Santa hat. The next morning, the Santa shark eats the kids grandpa while they’re out fishing. Instead of calling 911, the kid tells his parents who tell him to stop lying and take away his phone. After that, the rest of the movie is just the kid and his dorky friends (and eventually his family) fighting the shark and never once calling the police even as they all die one by one. Fin.

As far as Christmas stories go, SANTA JAWS is more believable and less depressing than the Biblical Nativity Story, so it does have that going for it, but unfortunately, while the story also shows a few glimpses of imagination…the execution is fucking abysmal. Horrible dialogue, bland scenery and sets, Satanawful look to the entire thing (is that because it’s shot on a digital camera or something? Why do you look like such ass, bro?), literally not one single person on screen that isn’t part of the story…no cars driving by or people simply walking in the background, middle school play-level acting, zero nudity, zero gore, zero cheerleaders, ugly clothing, an ending that goes on for way too long, weak as hell special effects, multiple bad puns and jokes that kinda make me believe this might have been a comedy.

Comedy or not, SANTA JAWS is an amusing watch, if you’re into this kind of thing. Overall, it sucked, but I did enjoy it and have no regrets in watching it. Although I doubt I'll ever watch it again...unless I decide to explore just how shitty the subtitles are on the DVD. Jesus wept.

[Not part of the review: I’m very fascinated by this entire type of movie. Not killer animal movies, but this budget range of film that is obviously not going to be a masterpiece but somehow marketed well enough to make it’s money back. It’s endlessly fascinating. I really wish I knew more about it. If there isn’t already, somebody should make a documentary about it. I just love how there seems to be an endless supply of these weird, nothing movies. Then again, maybe I’m not real and I’m just dreaming all of this up as I slowly decay.]

[This really has nothing to do with the review, but on the IMDb page for SANTA JAWS it says there is a "Goof" where "During the fishing scene with Papa and Cody, Cody is holding his rod upside down." I including a shot of Cody fishing with his grandpa and the fishing pole is being held just like the grandpas. With the line roller thing on the bottom. There are two shots of Cody's rod (insert low effort penis joke here) in this scene and they both look like the screenshot included below.]

The subtitles on this DVD are nearly worthless. In this scene, the actor clearly says “Ho, ho, ho. You son of a fish.” and this is what the subtitles say.