LOOPER (2012)

2074.  The mafia can no longer go around killing people because of "Tagging techniques, whatnot." This makes it nearly impossible to dispose of a body, so instead they send the living victim back in time 30 years to a pre-specified location where a paid assassin a.k.a. "Looper" immediately shoots them.  Why they just don't "zap" the victim back in time to someplace deadly and horrible like the bottom of the ocean or the Earth's core or 10,000 feet in the air or a Will Smith movie marathon?  I have no idea.  Maybe it has something to do with the location of the machine.

Anyway, one day when the main character's future-self shows up in his "Loop" he fails to kill him(self).  This puts into motion all kinds of shenanigans including running around, shooting guns and yelling.  There's also a kid with psychic powers.  For a single watch LOOPER is mildly entertaining, but by the time it was over...I was definitely ready for it to be over.  Funky looking guns, distracting effects on Gordon-Levitt's face, lens flares, futuristic cars that don't look very futuristic, weak story, boring action scenes.

Based on the trailer, I was really excited about this movie, but I just couldn't get into it.  The movie I saw in my head (before I actually watched it) was way better than the one that showed up on my TV.

Notice how these guys are dressed like the guy on the wanted poster and the little action figure below? Kinda like in TIME BANDITS.

ARMAGEDDON (1998)

A massive asteroid, named Dottie, is headed directly for Earth and our only hope is that two super Space Shuttles can take a group of oil drilling badasses up into space, slingshot them around the moon and land on Dottie's ass so they can give her a nuclear enema that'll blow that bitch out of the sky. Yasujiro Ozu it's not.

Nope, it's Michael Bay. So check your brain at the door and get ready for some cheesy, goofy bullshit filled with helicopters flying in front of sunsets, explosions, slow motion overdose, frantic editing, rugged saintly-like tough guys, product placement, camera spin, Aerosmith power ballad overdose and some of the worse dialogue ever written. "Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Air Force, ma'am. Requesting permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met." Ooowwwch! That line just gave me instant terminal butt cancer. Better go watch DEADLY PREY.

For a 90's disaster movie, ARMAGEDDON is about as big and dumb as it gets.  It's awesome! The disaster is "a global killer", the characters are bigger than life and the director has no shame. One of the biggest guilty pleasure movies of the 90's.

Little known (untrue) fact: In the unproduced ARMAGEDDON 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, literally 1 second after everybody finished hugging each other that the end of the first film, everybody on Earth immediately went back to hating the living fuck out of each other for totally unimportant reasons like skin colour, money, genitals and imaginary creators.