A group of fishermen (each with a heart of gold so pure that the mere sweat off
their manly brows could cure a blind, one-armed orphan with
terminal butt cancer) go fishing out in the ocean. They catch some fish and when they turn around
to go back...there's the biggest hurricane in the history of the Universe
standing between them and the mainland. They were warned
multiple times
that this storm is fucking huge, but goddamn it, the ice machine has conked out
and they gotta get these future fish sticks to market! Stat! Fifty
foot waves be damned!!! You can probably guess what happens next...that's right,
Marky Mark uses the Shining to communicate to his wife onshore.
When it comes to pure Hollywoodized excessively sentimental unicornshit, it
doesn't get much sappier than THE PERFECT STORM. From the very beginning of
the movie, the musical score was swelling and each character introduced was
even more faultless and contrived than the last one. By the 15-minute mark I
actually started profusely lactating what appeared (and tasted) to be
strawberry milk! True story. Speaking of true stories, this movie was based on
a true story. I've done zero minutes of research, but I'm pretty goddamn sure
that most of the bullshit in this movie was bullshit. Like when the fishing
boat did a barrel roll and survived or the scene were the boat was damn near
vertical and George Clooney was still standing. I doubt that happened
in real life.
That said, this movie was a lot of fun to laugh at. Everybody had horrible New
England accents, Marky Mark and George Clooney had dueling whiskers (I even
hoped, I mean, thought they were going to kiss at one point), people risked
their lives left and right to save others, nonstop swelling music, tons of
crying, cliches on top of cliches, painful dialogue and the best part? The
failed attempt to make the audience give a fuck about the crew of the boat. I
loved how each one was portrayed to be so pure of heart and saintly that they
made
Norman Borlaug look
like fucking Hitler, but yet they were still selfish enough to go fishing
after being warned repeatedly not to do so and then, even after looking
at the weather bulletin, they vote to drive through the storm! That
aspect right there removes any emotional connection that I might have actually
had to the characters...no matter how immaculate they each were. I guess
God just wanted his angels back in Heaven.
Check it out with some friends and laugh.
True story (from my imagination): In the original cut of the movie, in the
scene were George Clooney ghost rides the boat whip up the tidal wave
halfpipe, somebody screams "Fuuuccck! It's the perfect storm,
bitchez!!!"
If Jesus had been on the Titanic it would have looked like this.
Sacha Baron Cohen is the lifelong dictator of the fictional country of Wadiya.
After the opening montage showing Cohen being a childish, spoiled butthole
(living a life of luxury while his people starve, playing a video game where he
kills Jews, holding his own Olympics where he always wins, etc.) Cohen goes to
America to talk to the U.N. about his nuclear program. While in his hotel room,
he's kidnapped by an assassin hired by his own right hand man and replaced by an
imposter. Stuff happens and Cohen is soon working at a grocery store run by a
hippy. Blah, blah, blah...he learns some life lessons and falls in love with a
Jewish woman. Yawn.
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