Monday, October 24, 2011

HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS (2011)

I want to fucking die. Everything in my goddamn life is shit and the one fucking thing that gives me just a little bit of happiness is watching movies. Briefly forgetting about my shit life and how I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time, sneak into my mother's house, creep up on myself as a baby sleeping peacefully in my crib, pull out a hammer and bashing my infant self into mush as I disappear BACK TO THE FUTURE-style with a smile on my face. So yesterday, after yet another shit-filled day, I settle down to watch the new HELLRAISER movie. I love the HELLRAISER series, so I was excited about another installment. And what happens? Within 5 minutes I wanted to kill, within 10 I wanted to kill then kill myself, within 15 I wanted to kill the entire planet and within 20 I wished I was watching a Will Smith movie instead.

The film opens with some extremely annoying and shaky "home movie" footage of two annoying douchers driving down to Mexico to get drunk and fuck whores. During the whore-fucking the one doucher kills the hooker and the other doucher freaks out. Soon after, a hobo gives them the infamous puzzle box and before you can say "Clive Barker must be spinning in his grave." BOOM! out pops the cenobites and ol' Pinhead except that it's not ol' Pinhead it's a new and unimproved Pinhead who looks like a fucking dork! And he even has a belly. Hahaha. What the fuck?

Stuff happens and I cussed a lot...so, at least, my friend got some laughs out of my misery.  He later said "It looked like the Cenobites were torturing you, by making you watch the movie." Take my advise though and skip the fuck out of this movie. There are no redeeming values at all. Complete garbage. Everybody involved with this blasphemous turd should be ashamed of themselves.

Part 1 - Hellraiser
Part 2 - Hellbound: Hellraiser II
Part 3 - Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth
Part 4 - Hellraiser: Bloodline
Part 5 - Hellraiser: Inferno
Part 6 - Hellraiser: Hellseeker
Part 7 - Hellraiser: Deader
Part 8 - Hellraiser: Hellworld