OVERBOARD (1987)

Dirt poor carpenter Kurt Russell is hired by wealthy Goldie Hawn to do some work on a closet on her yacht.  The job doesn't go very well and in the end she stiffs him his $600 fee and throws him and his tools overboard.  Russell is really pissed off, so later on when Goldie falls off the boat and loses her memory he rushes in and claims to be her husband.  For whatever reason the hospital freely turns her over to him and he then takes her home with the intention of using her as a slave for one month to earn back his $600.  Oh yeah, he also rapes her.

Now that might sound like the plot to a dozen different horror movies, but since this was the 80's it's actually a comedy!  Turns out Goldie's real husband is overjoyed when she turns up missing, so he doesn't claim her at the hospital.  That leaves the door open for Kurt to take her home and tell her that his four uneducated cavemen children are hers.  He then tortures her by tricking her into working nonstop around his dump of a house.  As expected, a spark appears and they fall in love and fuck, but since Kurt knows the truth and her previous self would have never given him the time of day I would consider that a case of rape through deception.  Add onto that kidnapping, fraud and a host of other charges and Kurt would probably be spending a long time in jail.

To say enjoying OVERBOARD requires a suspension of disbelief is an understatement, but even so it was just too much for me.  The comedy isn't funny enough, the direction is bleh, the story completely unbelievable and those kids are going to be emotionally fucked up for years.  Hardcore fans of 80's comedies might find the story endearing and funny, but I just found it more depressing than anything.  If you need me, I'll be in my room watching GROUNDHOG DAY.

Remake - Overboard (2018)

POSEIDON (2006)

You know the story: boat, wave, upside down, survivors struggle to escape.  I can't really remember anybody begging for yet another Poseidon movie, but they made it anyway.  This time around Kurt Russell is the main guy leading the survivors to safety.  He's alright, but really the script is so bland, the role could have been played by about anybody. 

Brief character introductions, wave crashes, boat flips, survivors argue and some set off to the bottom of the boat to get out through a hole, along the way they run into all kinds of stuff: water, fire, tight spaces, dated CGI, underwater swimming, blah, blah, blah. I, with my gigantic brain, could come up with an fresh, entertaining take on the old Poseidon story, but this soulless remake, while it isn't bad, is just too much like the original film to be enjoyable.  Worth watching for all the explosions and Emily Rossum's cleavage but that's about it.  I'll never watch it again even if I live to be 1,500 years old.

Part 1 The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
Part 2 - Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)
Remake 1 - The Poseidon Adventure (2005)

ESCAPE FROM L.A. (1996)

"You may have escaped from New York, but this is L.A., vato."

August 23, 2000.  A massive earthquake separates Los Angeles from mainland America.  The hardcore Christian President turns the new island into a prison where anybody who doesn't fit into his idea of a perfect Christian nation (kweers, atheists, drug users,dogs and cats who live together, etc.) is exiled permanently.  Logistically, that doesn't even make sense, but whatever.

Fast-forward to 2013 and the President's hot daughter is brainwashed via virtual reality by a revolutionary leader who lives on the Island of Los Angeles. He has her steal a top secret super weapon called the "Sword of Damocles" and deliver it to him. So now it's up to the government to sneak a dude onto the island to locate the President's daughter and return the weapon. That's where soon to be transported to Manhattan, I mean, Los Angeles prisoner and ex-special forces soldier "Snake" Plissken comes in. Yep, that's right.  It's the same fucking story as the original film, except this time instead of Manhattan it's L.A.

Surfing, playing basketball, hang gliding, walking on a treadmill...this movie is definitely weird.  A good way to briefly describe ESCAPE FROM L.A. is there's a short scene where Snake is walking near a road and a car drives by with a dude hanging out of the window shooting a gun while blaring Sugar Ray.  Yes, Sugar Ray.  Snake then turns around to walk off.  The sound of thunder is heard while a bright light flashes from behind a nearby bush.  (It's almost like that awesome non-gun drive by two years later in DISTURBING BEHAVIOR with the non-threatening dudes and that Sesame Street music blaring.)

All things considered, ESCAPE FROM L.A. isn't much worse than the already overrated ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. Cheesier yes, but laughing at it actually adds the much needed entertainment the original lacked.  Based purely on entertainment, EFLA is barely passable.  The story is weak, the look of the whole thing is garbage, the entire movie is a night, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, the action scenes are forgettable, the dialogue is rubbish.  Honestly, the biggest entertainment comes from the surprising cast and simply laughing at...everything.  Especially the story and the special effects.

Part 1 - Escape from New York (1981)