A young couple (male, female) move into his old family mansion and almost immediately, the dude and his buddy are out digging up a local graveyard in search of a lost crystal skull. Naturally, this leads to all kinds of goofy, nonsensical hijinks like a baby pterodactyl (wearing a bib) sitting at the dining room table, a ghost cowboy shooting up the place and Jason Voorhees wearing a gorilla suit while getting punched off a...second story landing by a caveman. You know, standard horror movie stuff.
Okay acting, a vintage Rolling Stones shirt, a cast full of familiar faces, rambling story, zero gore, a costume party, zero nudity, neat-looking old mansion, shit ending. I've revisited HOUSE II multiple times over the decades and it always disappoints. I don't even understand how a script so worthless ever got approved to begin with. RETURN TO OZ was scarier than this reeking turdsmuggler. Skip it. Or watch it, I don't give a sideways cowboy ghost fart what you do.
If you need me, I'll be in my room watching Peter Jackson's THE FRIGHTENERS.
[Post-review rambling: I should write an epic-length novel (at least 4,000 pages) about a teenage dude in early 1988 who spends all kinds of effort and time flirting with another dude on his high school hockey team (imagine it being like “Heated Rivalry”, but much, much gayer) and then when he finally invites the guy over to VHS and chill, he rents HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of LETHAL WEAPON. The second guy misreads this as a near-ultimate insult (it's not as bad as being tricked into watching a Will Smith movie) and now suddenly, they're arch enemies! He wants revenge for bringing his wonderful boner to this guys crib and then being mocked by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of fucking to LETHAL WEAPON. He turns evel, I mean, evil and sets all kinds of horrible plans into motion only to then realize in a cruel, JEAN DE FLORETTE / MANON OF THE SPRING twist of fate that ol' boi only rented HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY because LETHAL WEAPON was out of copies and the homophobic (secretly gay) Christian dude working the counter wanted to trick ol' boi into having a horrible weekend by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY. Now they must team up stop the evil plans (while also fucking a lot) and get revenge on the dude down at Video Vortex. But nah! They shant do that. Instead, they will show human kindness and forgive him for being a small-minded butthole in a small-minded butthole of a town. They start dating and visit the video store frequently and even, slowly over time, befriend the hateful Christian dude. Things eventually progress enough with him that one Friday evening he surprises them by telling him that not only did he purchase a copy of LA CAGE AUX FOLLES for the store...he even watched it last night and loved it! Loved it! The three of them are conversing and having some good laughs talking about Albin when mean old Miss Grisby walks up to the counter to rent a copy of not only BEVERLY HILLS COP II, but also EDDIE MURPHY RAW! What the fook??? Everybody knows mean old Miss Grisby is racist as hell. She's 104-years-old and hasn't been able to drive in 40 years, but yet she just hopped into an old white Chevy truck and sped off cranking "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)" at around 300 decibels. Now these three new friends have a mystery to solve! End of Chapter 1.]
Part 1 - House (1985)
Part 3 - The Horror Show (1989)
Part 4 - House IV (1992)
