DEEP IMPACT (1998)

Ahh yes, "The Great Asteroid/Comet Battle of 1998". DEEP IMPACT vs. ARMAGEDDON. Who could forget it? It was almost as exciting as "The Great Volcano Battle of 1997"!

One quiet evening, some young amateur astronomers are looking up at the sky when what do they see, but a gigantic comet headed straight for Earth! Holy fook!!! It's actually not that straightforward, but soon enough, word gets out that we're all going to die and everyone goes bonkers...dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria! But wait! Humanity has one last chance to survive in the form of a huge spaceship filled with brave astronauts that is going to travel out to the comet, drill holes, insert bombs and explode that bitch! There's also a side story about a national lottery that will give 800,000 Americans access to a newly build bomb shelter in Missouri that will survive the impact, but then they'd have to live in Missouri.  Just kidding, I've never been to Missouri, I'm sure it's fine.

Compared to ARMAGEDDON, DEEP IMPACT is more serious and in some ways a better film, but, as far as pure entertainment goes, ARMAGEDDON is the clear winner.  I did really like how DEEP IMPACT started out with the investigative reporter digging for clues.  That was a lot of fun.  The revelation about the impending disaster was cool too.  The place where DI falters is the very ending.  It's way too abrupt and not even close to satisfying.

Zero nudity, zero Aerosmith songs, touching moments overload, 90's-level CG destruction, good pacing, explosive outgassing, okay acting.  DEEP IMPACT is entertaining, especially the first half, but the ratio of sappy emotional moments vs. destruction was way off.

Fun rainy afternoon time-waster. I honestly watch it a few times a year. Seriously.

THE ROAD (2009)

[Update 11/17/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

A few years after an apocalyptic event kills most of the humans and animals on Earth, a Man and his Boy are wandering around the countryside scavenging for canned goods and supplies as they make their way towards the ocean.  The places they visit are mostly uninhabited, so the majority of the film is simply the Man and the Boy walking and walking and walking.  Very exciting.

I love post-apocalyptic stories, but this one did nothing for me.  It looked good, but you've have to have something happen! The story doesn't have to be anything profound, but it has to be more than just two people wandering around. Have some cannibals steal his son and then have the Man chase after them and kick some ass...or not kick ass and they both get eaten. I would have rather seen that than these two half-dead motherfuckers walking around for two hours looking sad.

If you need me I'll be in my Y2K shelter reading Robert McCammon's "Swan Song".