SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS (2012)

A screenwriter (Colin Farrell) is having troubles with his drinking, his relationship with his girlfriend and coming up for an idea for his next script.  His best friend (Sam Rockwell) is an unhinged douchebag who (along with Christopher Walken) make money by kidnapping dogs and then collecting the reward.  What an asshole.  Anyway, so one day Rockwell kidnaps the prized dog of a local gangster (Woody Harrelson) who will stop at nothing to get his dog back.  That's not the strongest setup ever, but it does have potential to lead up to some awesomely over-the-top stuff going on...but no.  Instead, we have Rockwell talking nonstop while being self-destructive and crazed and for some unknown reason Farrell just sticks with him throughout it all.  Doesn't this guy have any normal, non-crazy friends?

With a title like SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS my mind was exploding with all kinds of awesome possibilities, but instead we get stuff like a serial killer that hunts serial killers.  Wow.  That's deep.  I too am a fan of Dexter.  Or a guy who hates somebody so much he follows him into Hell.  Amazing.  That's deep.  I enjoyed WHAT DREAMS MAY COME also.

Maybe if you've only seen three movies in your entire life, SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS will come off as original and clever, but as a grumpy old coot that's seen a lot of goddamn movies (example: the Vietnamese psycho's story reminded me of a 8-minute Australian horror short film I saw back in the early 1990's.) SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS started out promising enough for the first few minutes, but by the halfway point I was beginning to daydream hard.

Mild violence, lots of talking, miscasting, mild nudity, Shiner Bock beer, gangster with big shiny gun and old Cadillac convertible, more talking.  Worth a watch, I guess.  Or not.

COWBOYS & ALIENS (2011)

Hollywood cowboys vs. Hollywood aliens.

Cowboy Daniel Craig wakes up in the middle of nowhere. He has amnesia and some metal contraption clamped on his left wrist. Before he can even get his bearings, three scruffy looking dudes (who probably smell like poo-poo) ride up and start talking shit. Craig beats the crap out of them...so obviously, he knows how to fight. He then travels to the nearest town where it becomes apparent that he is a wanted criminal. After some more fighting, he's arrested and then while being loaded up into the paddy wagon...aliens attack!  During the attack the metal device on Craig's arm activates and he uses it to shoot down one of the alien vehicles. The next morning, Craig joins a posse and they head off in search of the aliens who kidnapped some people during the attack.

With a title like COWBOYS & ALIENS, I was expecting the film to be a little campy, like TREMORS, but instead C&A comes across like it almost wanted to be serious...I think. What do I know? But with the torture scene, the deaths, the alien experiments, the ominous lighting and the semi-gritty tone, I think the film was going for a serious mood. Even worse than the mixed tone signals is the slow pace. Jesus Christ, I was damn near going into a coma waiting for something to happen and then when it did...it was still boring!!! And who came up wit the idea of gold rustling, shell-less turtle aliens? What the fuck? Ahhhh, fuck it. Watch the movie if you want, it's not horrible, just completely lacking in imagination and cleverness. I could have written a better script than this soulless snoozer without even breaking a sweat.  It did have a great cast though.  If you need me I'll be in my room watching TREMORS and THE LAST STARFIGHTER.

One interesting thing the filmmakers could have done, but I guess it wasn't legally possible, was have Harrison Ford's character lose an alien artifact and then have Indiana Jones find it in the next Indy movie.

CLOWNHOUSE (1989)

Four quick things about CLOWNHOUSE: 1) there's no real actual clowns - with clown superpowers - it's just three escaped mental patients dressed as clowns 2) there's hardly any action until the very end 3) this movie is gay in a uncomfortable NAMBLA-style way. The three main characters, all young boys, appear topless a lot, bare assed or in their underwear or sitting in a bathtub while his two brothers watch(!!!). They also talk about pubic hair and peeing the bed and other creepy stuff in uncomfortable child molester-ery ways. Plus, when you think about it, the story is about three adult men (chickenhawks) stalking three young underage boys (chickens). 4) It's the first movie of Sam Rockwell, so that's kinda interesting.

Three young boys, who are left alone in a large, secluded house are stalked and hunted by three escaped mental patients who dress like clowns. Interesting idea, but this movie is very, very slow. Honestly, I fucking hated it. If I was a little kid it might scare me, but as an adult you can see all of the scares coming a mile away (little boy reaching for his brothers hand while his head is looking the other way; camera panning away from the "dead body" while boy uses phone; camera showing large area behind boy while he's messing with fuse box; etc.). Another thing that upset me was it took damn near 30 minutes for the killers to even get into the clown make-up! That's way too long for a set up...the entire movie is only 81 minutes!

Bottom line: if you like watching young boys walk around half-naked and then later on stalked and wrestling around with grown men, then check out CLOWNHOUSE. If you want to watch a real horror movie about clowns then...well, uh, you're probably out of luck. I guess you can always read IT again. Or for full-blown clown weirdness watch KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE.

MOON (2009)

[Update 07/18/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]