VOICES (2007)

I wish there had been a voice telling me not to watch this movie.  But I did and all it is is you average style over substance Asian horror movie filled with: dark creepy stuff you can't really see, overly confusing plot that makes little sense, zero nudity, zero gore, lame flashbacks, a little bit of blood splattered about, zero nudity, zero authentic scares (just a bunch of loud jump scenes), a main girl that never really does anything to save herself and lots and lots of talking.

The story, I think, is about a vengeful spirit killing people and trying to get people to kill the main girl...I think, I could be completely wrong.  I don't really know and I don't even care.  All I know is there was a girl that everybody kept trying to kill her, but I never figured out why for sure.  Or maybe it was just her imagination.  Skip it and never look back.

TERROR EYES (1989)

That cover is fucking awesome!!! How the heck, I mean, fuck could you resist something like that?! Saturday afternoon I was walking through the video store, minding my own business, when I saw that cover and instantly filled my pants to overflowing with jizz and human shit. It was love at first sight and I had to have it. I bought it, rushed home to watch it and you know what? It was better than OK. And that's saying something cause I really expected it to be so goddamn horrible that I couldn't even watch the entire thing, but I watched it all and even enjoyed it for the story and of course I got some really good laughs out of it.

Right from the beginning, you know you're in for a treat, because it starts doing fucked up mind tricks and the actors were really excited, especially Daniel (RIVER'S EDGE, FINAL DESTINATION) Roebuck who is completely balls out the whole movie.  Another thing that makes this movie such a delight was it is without a doubt pure 80's cheese. The set decorations and the clothes were hypnotically bad, but in a good way.

The story is about this woman who's hired (by Satan no less!) to write a movie script for a horror movie.  So she goes camping with her friends and they each tell crazy stories including one that reminded me of SAW and another of GROUNDHOG DAY.  I'm not going to get into all of the stories, but there's a lot going on in this movie and I really enjoyed it. It's definitely worth the few bucks I paid for it.

Scan from an interview with Daniel Roebuck in "Psychotronic" #27.

MY FAVORITE WIFE (1940)

Cary Grant lost his wife (Irene Dunne) 7 years ago when she drown at sea during a shipwreck.  So now, Grant has decided to move on with his life.  He has Dunne legally declared dead and then marries Gail Patrick.  Even though she's not right for him.  Then suddenly, Dunne returns!  Ends up she was living on a deserted island for the entire 7 years...along with another shipwreck survivor: sexy Randolph Scott.  Yikes!

All kinds of hijinks ensue. Unfortunately, only about 5% of them are funny. I love everybody in this cast and it's very easy to see that the filmmakers were trying to cash in on the success of 1937's hilarious THE AWFUL TRUTH, but unfortunately the story goes that during pre-production writer/director  Leo McCarey (who helmed THE AWFUL TRUTH) was involved in a near fatal car accident and had to be replaced.  So now, you have a cast making a comedy while their good friend is at death's door.

For what it is, it's okay. There are a few moments that are enjoyable (the first time Grant sees Scott at the swimming pool), but other stuff (the dim-witted, slow-talking judge) are a drag to get through. Worth a watch for fans of classic Hollywood, but it definitely could have been a much better film.  I was also bothered by how the film seems to paint Gail Patrick's character as the bad guy when in reality she's heartbroken that the man she fell in love with (and married) doesn't love her back.  That was a bummer.

GRACE (2009)

[Update 11/28/2023: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Jordan Ladd is pregnant.  Shit happens and she gives birth to a dead baby that's alive.  And that's about the extend of the movie.  All the standard stuff that you would expect to happen happens, but at a very drawn out pace. It's all very boring and absolutely nothing original comes along to wake you out of your boredom-induced stupor.  The End.

If I live to be 2,000 I'll never watch this turkey ever again.  Skip it.

RAPA NUI (1994)

[Update 08/18/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I have no idea if anything in this film is historically accurate and I really don't care cause it was a lot of fun to watch. Set in (I'm guessing) the late 1600's, there are two groups on the island: the Long Ears and the Short Ears. The Long Ear are the royalty, priests, soldiers, etc. while the Short Ears are pretty much slaves. Jason Scott Lee plays the grandson of the Long Ear's leader and he is in love with a Short Ear girl. The leader dude is old and obsessed with making statues. Even to the point that they destroy all of the islands trees and waste all of their time building statues instead of growing crops.

Anyway, that's all very interesting, but the main storyline is about this Short Ear guy (Esai Morales) who's also in love with the chick that Lee is screwing. Everything - the tension between the tribes, the leadership of the island, the statues, who's gonna get the girl - all culminates in this insane race where one guy from each tribe is selected to race down the fucking cliffs then swim over to a very small island nearby and grab an egg from a bird then carry that egg all the way back to the island, up the cliffs and back to the starting point. It was very exciting!

Director/ screenwriter Kevin (ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES, THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO) Reynolds does a great job and really captures the beauty of the island to the point that is become a character all to itself. I kept thinking the entire movie how lucky these people are to live somewhere so beautiful, but yet the were bickering and fighting just like people from every other nationality. That's just human nature: to be a bunch of greedy assholes. Enough of the philosophizing, if the description sounds like something you'd be into the check it out cause I really enjoyed myself. The script could have gotten deeper into the characters and maybe explained the ending a little more, but when you get down to it this was a action film not a documentary on the history of Easter Island.

Also, look out for Rena Owen in a small role as a Short Ear. If you don't remember her she played the mother in ONCE WERE WARRIORS. And if you don't blink too much you might see Cliff Curtis who also played in ONCE WERE WARRIORS.