SUPERVAN (1977)

SUPERVAN is the heartwarming story about a guy who's heading over to "Freak Out 76", a gathering of van enthusiasts who get together and get fucked up. There's also a contest for the best van and this dude wants to win! While driving there he talks CB lingo to the point that I was wishing for subtitles just to figure out what's going on. He hears that a girl is getting raped at a junkyard, so he rescues her, but during the getaway he accidentally drives his van onto a compactor.

The loss of his van isn't a big deal though because his mad scientist friend just completed "Vandora" a supervan that can drive fast and shoot lasers! A Smokey tries to stop him so he sends out a sonic wave that blows up the coppers radio. Thrilling.

Finally, they get to the big Freak Out and they weren't lying cause there's some freaky, unwashed, fucked up, burned out motherfuckers up in this motherfucker including a cameo by a completely wasted Charles Bukowski spraying down women in a wet t-shirt contest! Let that sink in: I'm sitting here watching a stupid movie about a "super" van when suddenly from out of nowhere one of the greatest writers of all time just wanders onscreen while spraying down women with a water hose! What a weird world we live in.

The main guy takes part in some exciting van competitions like driving your van 10 feet up a hill. Vandora wins the grand prize, but that pisses off a evil van modifying corporation, so then there's a police chase and laser shooting.

If you're into van modifying or bizarre 70's cinema then check it out. Others will probably do best staying away. Zero tits, lame van chases, lots of weird paintings, lots of chicks with funky 70's bodies, futuristic sound effects when Vandora is onscreen, hippies, filmed on location in Missouri!

Charles Bukowski. Is that a bluebird in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

PYROKINESIS (2000)

[Update 02/07/2021: Really need to rewatch and fix this review.]

PYROKINESIS is the story of a woman, Junko, who has the power to burn things up just by thinking it. She's pretty good at controlling it, but it leads to a lonely life.  At a work party she starts talking to a handsome dude and even befriends his little sister. Later that night, after the party, the sister is kidnapped and tortured to death by a sadistic gang that likes to make snuff movies for money. Using her powers, Junko sets out to find the gang of assholes and kill them. While searching she finds out she's not the only one with psychic powers.

Overall, it's a good movie that starts out strong, but suffers from a needlessly convoluted plot, not enough entertainment to fill the entire 115-minute runtime and a story that was too melodramatic. I was impressed by the female detective, played by Kaori Momoi, she did a great job in what would have otherwise been a boring role.

Worth watching.

ZOMBI 3 (1988)

[Update 03/02/2021: Need to redo this review completely.  Fix the screenshots also.]

Some military scientists are working on a drug.  Some terrorists steal it, it gets loose and BAM! everybody's a zombie!!! Zombies that run, zombies that really, really like to climb up things and jump off of them, flying head zombies, legless swimming zombies, radio DJ zombies, zombies that like to hide in haystacks, zombies that like to jump out of bushes like an acrobat, zombies that like to hide under piers, zombies that if a hand grenade explodes 50 feet behind them they just fall over dead, zombies that just stand still and never move, zombie birds...every kind of zombie you can think of! It's complete chaos and I have no idea what the story was even going for, but it's goal was to make me laugh then it worked brilliantly.

If you are new to the zombie genre then wait until you've exhausted all of the classics before delving into this one, but if you're looking for a silly zombie film for you and your friends to laugh at then ZOMBI 3 is for you!

THE UNBORN (2009)

[Update 03/17/2021: This review sucks. Going to fix it as soon as I can.]

The only reason to watch THE UNBORN is Odette Yustman's ass, but you only get to see it for few a few seconds!  So what's the point of the other 88 minutes of the movie?  Hell if I know.  There's something about a demon trying to be reborn as a baby or something, but since the violence is all watered down and the story is about as unoriginal as it gets I'm not really sure what the filmmakers were going for.

Too much story, pissed off ghost/spirit, sudden loud noises, jump scenes, hallucinations, evil creatures tilting their heads crooked, a lot of the colour blue, Gary Oldman, C.S. Lee and James Remar wasted, flashbacks all over the place, produced by Michael Bay, slow pace.  Outside of those few fleeting moments of Odette's legendary booty cheeks, THE UNBORN is a complete waste of time.

Skip this turd.

THE APRIL FOOLS (1969)

[Update 08/22/2021: Just deleted the entire review and all of the screenshots. Going to redo this review completely and add brand new screenshots.]

TITANIC II (2010)

When I heard there was going to be a TITANIC 2 I instantly thought that it would be about how the iceberg that sunk the original Titanic was actually a spaceship and once it gobbled up the bodies of all the victims (and replaced them with fake corpses) it took off, but then the prisoners revolted and beat the crap out of the aliens and took over the spaceship, even going so far as to call it Titanic 2. But then the shit hit the fan when they realized they had no idea how to fly the spaceship! Soon they crashed into an asteroid and sank. All 1,517 souls perished. :-(

Instead TITANIC 2 is the extremely low-budget story about a world were damn near everything is CGI. In this CGI hellhole they make a Titanic 2 and on it's maiden voyage it's hit by a 843 mph tidal wave and all fucked up. Stuff happens, I cussed a lot, then yawned a lot. The End

The only good thing about this movie is the title. Skip it at all costs.