LEATHERHEADS (2008)

[Update 07/21/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Where's the football? The tagline for the film is "In the beginning, the rules where simple. There weren't any." Now, maybe I'm just being overly imaginative, but in my mind that tagline plus the DVD cover above creates all kinds of exciting images of rugged, barbarian-type football players charging all over the football field grinding cleats into hands, ripping opponents faces off and crushing testicles. Or maybe a wacky, slapstick comedy with all kinds of silly, Buster Keaton/Harold Lloyd-style tomfoolery going on. But no, instead LEATHERHEADS is a romantic comedy about football...with only maybe 20 minutes of actual football onscreen. And boring football action at that. Hmm.

OK then, well that's disappointing, but let's go ahead and see if it's at least an enjoyable romantic comedy that's romantic and funny. No, it's not. LEATHERHEADS seems like it wants to go multiple directs all at the same time, but actually goes nowhere. It starts off with some football shenanigans about George Clooney playing in a financially collapsing football club, then it switches gears to prune-faced newspaper reporter Renee Zellweger trying to uncover the truth behind the war hero story of football star John Krasinski. These two stories come together when Clooney convinces Krasinski to join his near failure team and Zellweger follows the team on the road under the guise of doing a piece on Krasinski. On top of this is the inevitable love triangle when Clooney and Krasinski both fall for Renee's adorable, snarling puss. But if that's not enough things come to a screeching halt for probably 20 minutes or more when Renee publishes her damning article about Krasinski's war records. Who gives a fuck?!!! Where's the football?

My advise to time-travelers going back in time to rewrite this script: drop the entire war record angle and instead make it about a rugged, hard-living player who has dedicated his life to bringing up the game and right as it's happening, the powers that be starts to push him out to make room for younger, more brash players. You can leave the female reporter (played by Charlize Theron instead) and have her following the younger player, but while doing so she falls in love with the older player.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE (2002)

As far as Arnold movies go, this one is pretty boring. In the opening few minutes, his wife and kid are exploded all to fuck by a terrorist bombing.  After the government proves it can't bring the terrorists to justice, Arnold goes to Columbia to kick in some bootieholes. Unfortunately, this isn't a sequel to COMMANDO and Arnold doesn't kick in much bootiehole at all.  In fact, he spends most of the movie grunting, overacting, falling down and making stupid decisions.  The story is constantly moving forward, but it's so weak and lifeless, that I honestly didn't care what happened to anybody.

Unoriginal story, boring action, a lot of people too stupid to live, zero nudity, only one really good Arnold moment (his grunt while going down the elevator shaft), government agents barking shits like "I want that in 10 minutes!", an absolutely horrible looking waterfall scene, John Leguizamo rapping while wearing a post-Cliff Burton Metallica shirt.

Worth watching (I guess) just to check it out for yourself. As for me, I'll probably watch COMMANDO another 50 times before I re-visit this snoozer.

THIRST (2009)

A priest selflessly allows himself to be a research guinea pig to help find a cure to a dangerous disease that is killing off missionaries. During the treatment he starts vomiting up blood and receives a blood transfusion. He dies, but suddenly comes back to life and appears to be completely cured. After being released from the hospital, he realizes that he's showing traits of a vampire! Being a priest and a vampire at the same time is a conflict of interests, especially when he starts having a hot love affair with a beautiful young woman. Now he's torn between his faith, "the blood thirsty beast" living within him and the lust for this woman.

Despite the bland title, THIRST is a highly entertaining film that borders on being great. It's probably the best vampire movie since the original FRIGHT NIGHT. The story is fresh and inventive, the acting is excellent and the photography is especially stunning. The less said the better just watch it.

Highly recommended.