FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)

If this FRIGHT NIGHT was the first FRIGHT NIGHT ever made, nobody would be clamoring for a remake...come to think of it, I can't remember anybody clamoring for a remake to begin with! Oh well, the damage is done so let's give it a shot and see what they've done. Who knows, maybe it's awesome...

...it's not. The film opens with a vampire killing a family. The scene is so vague and brief that I could barely even register what was happening. Next we are introduced to Charley Brewster, an average teen with an unaveragely pretty girlfriend (well at least that's one improvement over the original!). Charley's normal life is turned upside down when his friend, Evil Ed, informs him that his new neighbor is a vampire...already, this movie is diverging so much from the original that it might as well just be a completely new story all together.  Anyway, so once Charley discovers his neighbor is a vampire, he contacts a local celebrity, Peter Vincent, for help. Peter is no longer a funny, pathetic and lovable horror movie host. Instead, he's a cocky magician that comes off like a bizarre lovechild of Criss Angel and Russell Brand. Ugh, you know what? Who fucking cares? As a remake FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) is garbage, but as a stand alone vampire film it's OK.

The whole thing comes off more like an episode of a TV show than it does a movie. Gone are the enjoyable characters from the original, instead they've been replaced with forgettable characters. Gone are the awesome actors that brought those characters to life, instead they've been replaced with actors that seem to be happy with just turning in an passable performance. Gone are the awesome special effects, instead they've been replaced with middle-of-the-road CGI. Gone is the tightly written script that masterfully mixed horror and campy humor, instead it's been replace with a generic script that masterfully mixes boredom and light blasphemy.

Wow. This review ended up a little more negative than I intended it to be, but I really love the original FRIGHT NIGHT and even though this remake wasn't too bad, it does not deserve to be called FRIGHT NIGHT.  It should have just been a completely different thing.

Part 1 - Fright Night (1985)
Part 2 - Fright Night Part 2 (1988)
Remake 2 - Fright Night 2 (2013)

Look at that chick's face.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS (2011)

[Update 02/07/2021: I have absolutely no idea why I fucked this review all up and wrote it about Robert Pattinson's character being a vampire. I just deleted most of it because it was stuipid. Will try and re-watch the movie one day and give it a legitimate review.  If I remember right, it was a good movie.]

Back in 1931, Edward (somehow completely immune from sunlight) is training to be a veterinarian. On the day that he's to take is exam his parents (obviously adopted parents since he had been a vampire for over 10 years at this point in his life) die in a car wreck. Edward is very sad and just starts walking. Eventually he ends up on a train with a bunch of roughnecks. He doesn't use his vampire strength and instead just goes with the flow to see where this leads him. Ends up he's on a circus train and since he knows a lot about animals he's given the job as the circus vet.

That's all well and good until he sees the star attraction (and the boss's wife), Reese Witherspoon, the horse rider. Reese is immediately taken in by Edward's animal magnetism and he with her, but they keep it quite. Turns out that Reese's husband is quite the asshole and rules the circus like a dictator, even resorting to tossing workers off the moving train if he can't afford to pay them. Soon an elephant joins the circus and Reese and Edward are commissioned to create an act around the elephant that will save the circus from financial ruin. You can only guess what happens next. That's right! Edward turns the elephant into a vampire with bloodsucking tusks!

DEEP IMPACT (1998)

Ahh yes, "The Great Asteroid/Comet Battle of 1998". DEEP IMPACT vs. ARMAGEDDON. Who could forget it? It was almost as exciting as "The Great Volcano Battle of 1997"!

One quiet evening, some young amateur astronomers are looking up at the sky when what do they see, but a gigantic comet headed straight for Earth! Holy fook!!! It's actually not that straightforward, but soon enough, word gets out that we're all going to die and everyone goes bonkers...dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria! But wait! Humanity has one last chance to survive in the form of a huge spaceship filled with brave astronauts that is going to travel out to the comet, drill holes, insert bombs and explode that bitch! There's also a side story about a national lottery that will give 800,000 Americans access to a newly build bomb shelter in Missouri that will survive the impact, but then they'd have to live in Missouri.  Just kidding, I've never been to Missouri, I'm sure it's fine.

Compared to ARMAGEDDON, DEEP IMPACT is more serious and in some ways a better film, but, as far as pure entertainment goes, ARMAGEDDON is the clear winner.  I did really like how DEEP IMPACT started out with the investigative reporter digging for clues.  That was a lot of fun.  The revelation about the impending disaster was cool too.  The place where DI falters is the very ending.  It's way too abrupt and not even close to satisfying.

Zero nudity, zero Aerosmith songs, touching moments overload, 90's-level CG destruction, good pacing, explosive outgassing, okay acting.  DEEP IMPACT is entertaining, especially the first half, but the ratio of sappy emotional moments vs. destruction was way off.

Fun rainy afternoon time-waster. I honestly watch it a few times a year. Seriously.