CUTTHROAT ISLAND (1995)

Ever wanted to see a movie that killed a once successful production company?  Well, here's your chance!  And, sadly, that curiosity factor is the only thing this peg-legged turkey has going for it.  Carolco Pictures was once pretty awesome.  They released the first three Rambo movies, TERMINATOR 2, JACOB'S LADDER, ANGEL HEART, CLIFFHANGER, BASIC INSTINCT, THE DOORS, STARGATE, but then, for whatever insane reason, they decided to sink $98 million into a pirate movie featuring Geena Davis and Matthew Modine.  To put the insanity of that in perspective: 1995's GOLDENEYE only cost $60 million to make.  Released on December 22, 1995 on 1619 screens, CUTTHROAT ISLAND didn't even place in the Top 10.  Instead, it came in right behind DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT and ended up only making $10 million total at the box office.  Jesus wept.  What's funny is MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND was released just a few months later ended up making over $34M at the box office.

So anyway.  Is it any good?  Not really.  The story is about a pirate who's trying to gather up three pieces of a treasure map that lead to a super treasure.  That's...pretty much it.  Of course, there's other people after the maps, but after a few minutes it's easy to see that there's no real danger and no matter how tight of a squeeze our heroes get in, they still have time to spout off lame jokes.  The action scenes are full of explosions, swinging swords and flailing limbs, but they're just not exciting.  While I was watching it I kept thinking in my handsome brain "How did this get green-lit at all, let alone for $98 million?!"

The dialogue is wooden and stiff and the story is just uninspired and boring.  Not a terrible film, but I hope that I never have to sit through it ever again.  Skip it and never look back.

NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (2001)

I wasn't expect it to be, but NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE is funny as fuck.  I laughed so hard I actually had to rewind it a bunch of time to catch the stuff I missed.  What's even stranger is even though it's 12 years old, it's barely even dated.  Most of the jokes are still funny and the various cultural references are still relevant.  Bizarre.

Two of the coolest kids at John Hughes High School make a bet that the one, Jake, can't turn the biggest "shitbomb" in school into the prom queen.  Difficulty level: even though she's obviously extremely hot she hides it beneath glasses, a ponytail and wears overalls with paint speckles on it.  That's the main story, but there's tons of other things going on.  Nerds trying to get laid, football player haunted by past memories, the prom, sister wanting to bang brother, The most Beautiful Thing I've Ever Seen, naked chicks, tons of smaller jokes, Lacey Chabert as a girl who's so hot that people freeze in place whenever she's around, an blind albino hippie chick that plays guitar, cheerleaders who bring it.

Honestly, the only two things that I would change about the film (besides more nudity) would be to remove those terrible cover songs and replace them with the originals.  Does anybody really want to hear Good Charlotte doing "If You Leave"?

 Get it? Spicoli Television Repair.