WOLFEN (1981)

My Latin is pretty rusty, but if my high school memory serves correctly Wolfen is Latin for "yawning my fucking balls off".  When I decided to watch this movie I (incorrectly) figured that it was gonna be about werewolves...and be good.  I was wrong on both accounts.  WOLFEN is the extremely slow-moving story about some mysterious death in NYC.  The police are baffled at how people can end up so mutilated (don't get excited...it's mostly offscreen) with no trace of any weapons used.  Police detective Albert Finney is on the case and after what seemed to be dozens of hours of him walking around, eating cookies and talking to different people he comes to the realization that it's actually a Native American spirit wolf pack.  Unn-huh.

That's right there's zero werewolves involved.  The only wolves involved at all are actual wolves and even then we only get to see them in action at the very end of the movie and even then it's boring as fook.  I've seen more violence in TV commercials than I saw in this movie.  If you enjoy watching Albert Finney walking around talking to people along with different short scenes of "wolf vision" (which is nothing more than crappy looking thermographic wolf POV shots) tossed in at random then this is the movie for you.  If you're looking to be entertained look elsewhere.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching SILVER BULLET.

SLEEPWALKERS (1992)

Horrorless horror movie from the King of Horror, Stephen King, about a mother/son pair of shapeshifting vampire/cat creatures that can turn invisible and make other things change shape.  The secret of their power is the mothers ability to suck the lifeforce out of female virgins.  Okay.

When the film begins they've just fled California and relocated in Indiana.  The son enters high school and sets his sights on the Madchen Amick from "Twin Peaks".  Wise choice, but instead of just killing her when he's over at her crib, he attacks her while out on a date!  Genius.  The attack goes off like a dry wet fart and she she pokes him in the eye and alerts the cops.  Now the police are hot on their tails.  Meow!

Lame action, lightweight violence, zero gore, zero nudity. I wanted to like this film (and it was an okay time-waster), but there's just not a lot going on. Also, the mother/son duo are unlikable with their cat murdering, plus you never get a clear view of what powers they have or what they're capable of or even what their goal even is!  I guess it's just to live another day so they can bang more. If it wasn't for Madchen Amick, the various genre cameos and multiple Stephen King references I probably would have fallen asleep.  Although, Ferris Bueller's parents showing up kinda blew my mind.

 Stephen King and Clive Barker with Tobe Hooper in the background.

Stephen King and Tobe Hooper.