REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS (1985)

New York City cop Fred Ward is murdered while on duty and then unmurdered by a secret government agency. He’s given a new face and then shacked up with a crazy dude who beats the crap out of him 24/7, compares him to a clubbed-footed baboon and shoots a gun at him while he does chores. Somehow this eventually trains him to be a badass or something. I don’t know.

True story: I remember being a little girl and excitedly getting my mom to rent REMO WILLIAMS for me when it was still a new release at the video store.  Then later that evening after watching it, I stood up and passionately cried out with the intensity of 1,000 pregnant yaks all giving birth at once, “I hereby declare this movie to be hella unslay!” That was around 1986 and I still stand by that statement.

Medium paced story that never really goes anywhere, boring action scenes, average acting, zero gore, zero nudity, zero blood, zero cheerleaders, corny comedy bullshit that’s not even close to being funny, impressive cast full of familiar faces. I’m sure the filmmakers had their hearts in the right place, but it’s just a dull movie.

THE SEVENTH SEAL (1957)

"We carve an idol out of our fear and call it God."

Back in the day, a knight (Max von Sydow) returns from his stint in the Crusades to find his homeland ravaged by the Plague. Already disillusioned by his experiences during the Crusades; he now begins to doubt the existence of God. One morning while getting ready to ride his horse, he looks over and Death is stand there. Looking at him. They talk and the knight challenges Death to a game of chess, believing that the game will buy him time to live longer in this smelly shithole existence we call Life. Death agrees. The game isn’t shown and the film isn’t just these two chatting while they play. No, instead the knight is still on his journey home and the film goes along for the ride as he encounters different people and events.

I love arthouse cinema and while I do watch quite a bit of it, I don’t review it often simply because I’m too dumb to properly express my feelings about it. That said, while I’m sure that I’ve missed various themes and details, I still find THE SEVENTH SEAL to be a great movie. Even all these decades after its original release. At times the pace is slow, but I’m not sure if that’s really true or just a symptom of my stupidity.

Whatever, fuck it. Slow or not, THE SEVENTH SEAL is still mandatory viewing for anybody serious about movies and especially world cinema.   Recommended.