KING OF THE UNDERWORLD (1939)

A married sawbones works in secret for the King of the Underworld (Humphrey Bogart) patching up hoodlums for some extra scratch to bet on the ponies.  One evening while sewing up a gangster who was shot in a getaway stick, the trigger-happy bulls start blasting the joint. When the gat smoke clears, the doctor is wearing a Chicago overcoat.  The local (crooked) DA is out for blood so he falsely accuses the surgeon’s widow (who is also a doctor) of being in cahoots with the mob as well.  She’s not.  Boring shit happens and before you can say, “I wish Forever Grey would make a 9-minute cover of the Def Leppard song Hysteria.” both the doctor and the King of the Underworld are in the same small town doing all kinds of riveting things.  The doctor treats an innocent man who was ventilated by a stray bullet then pays off her grocery store bill.  The King of the Underworld yells at his men while they change a flat tire and then works on his autobiography.  It’s exciting stuff.  And speaking of excitement, don’t even get me started on the thrilling climax featuring eye drops!  I was peeing my Ewok Underoos as I shivered with antici



pation.

At only 67 minutes you would think that the film would fly by, but nope.  This mother is slow!  Average acting, unattractive scenery, boring sets, lame dialogue, by the numbers story filled with paper thin characters, goofy ending.  As a gangster movie KING OF THE UNDERWORLD is too tame and as a melodrama KING OF THE UNDERWORLD is still too tame.  The entire thing is as weak as H.R. Pickens.  Worth a watch, I guess, for Bogart fans.  Then again, I love Humphrey Bogart and even I found his performance to be uninspired.  Yeah, see?

OMEN III: THE FINAL CONFLICT (1981)

After the impressive first Omen film and the even more enjoyable second film, the people behind the Omen series decide to pour unholy goat piss all over the entire thing by releasing a severely disappointing third and “final” installment.

As our lackluster story begins, Damien Thorn is now an adult and fully committed to being an evil butthole. For example: he has a life-size replica of Jesus Christ in his house that he talks shit to.  Doesn’t get much more evel, I mean, evil than that!  So anyway, while Damien is going around preparing to take over the World, the Jesus lovers find 7 super badass knives that are the only thing in the Universe that can kill the Antichrist.  Naturally, they send out some weakass nerds, who couldn’t beat up Benji the Hunted, to assassinate Damien. Boredom ensues.

The idea of the antichrist is one of the coolest things about Christianity and in the proper hands it could be the basis for thousands of awesome stories.  Unfortunately, THE FINAL CONFLICT isn’t one of those stories.  Sam Neill does give a good performance as Damien Thorn, but he doesn’t have anything to work with.  The story is beyond boring.  Honestly, I want to see more stories about Damien in high school!

Slow pace, zero nudity, minor blood, zero gore, zero tension, zero cool deaths, the word "Mephistophticles" not even used once, average acting, extremely disappointing ending.  Omen 3 is worth watching if you’ve already seen the first two films in the series and are a completionist.  Other than that, just skip this Satanic turkey and never look back.

Part 1 - The Omen (1976)
Part 2 - Damien: Omen II (1978)
Part 4 - Omen IV: The Awakening (1991)
Remake 1 - The Omen (2006)
Prequel - The First Omen (2024)