THE CRAFT (1996)

Welcome 2 the witching hour, motherfucker.  One year before Buffy arrived at Sunnydale High, Sarah (Robin Tunney) arrives as a new student at a Los Angeles prep school.  Almost immediately she’s taken in by the local teenage witch coven.  Things happen and before you can say “Give me sum of dat Gargamel pussy!” they’re haphazardly firing off spells all over the joint.  Pew, pew, pew!  But, of course, we all know that casting spells around willy-nilly never works out well.

Witchcraft is fucking awesome.  High school is fucking awesome.  So, when you mix the two together, it’s just simple mathematics that the movie is going to be dope.  THE CRAFT is obviously dated, but the vintage clothes, weak special effects and cringe dialogue just add to the charm of the film.

Revisiting THE CRAFT again for this review, I was kinda surprised at how much Fairuza Balk carried the film.  I’m also surprised that nobody ever used her in a demon possession film.  Hell, maybe they did.  What do I know?  Strong supporting cast, weak main cast (outside of Fairuza and Neve Campbell), average direction, zero nudity, zero gore, a few cool spells but nothing super awesome, zero hardcore violence, DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE and PANTHER playing at the same movie theater we last saw in COLORS, weak usage of potentially awesome Los Angeles locations, weak soundtrack, zero time-travel, zero ninjas, average pace.  For grumpy old wizards like myself, THE CRAFT has a lot of nostalgic value, but younger apprentice wizards might find the entire thing to be weak.

Anyway, if you love old stuff like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed or Angel, then you should check out THE CRAFT.

[Post-review note: This has absolutely nothing to do with the review, but hundreds of years ago, I was talking to a stranger (who headbangs side-to-side) at a Cemetery Filth show.  In a moment of human weakness, I let down my guard and mentioned a secret thought that I have never told anybody before: I always see Eyehategod and THE CRAFT as being connected in my brain because I once saw Eyehategod and THE CRAFT was playing on a small TV above the bar.  The memory of that moment has always made me smile, but when I die, that nonsensical connection will be lost forever.

She then mentioned how that connection is now in her brain also.  I thought that was an incredibly sweet thing to say.  I’m sure that she was lying, since everything everybody says to me is a lie, but it was a nice gesture and one of the kindest lies anyone has told me in a very long time.  And now, you have that pointless connection in your brain too.

P.S. As I’m typing this, my furry lil boi Charlie is attempting to sneak up on me, but the morning Sun that he loves so much is betraying him since I can see his hunkered down shadow creeping up closer and closer.  Of course, I’ll still act surprised when he fin…AGGGHHHHGHH!!!]

Part 2 - The Craft: Legacy (2020)

HOLY SPIDER (2022)

"I did it all for God."

There is a serial killer, the “Spider Killer”, stalking the low-level prostitutes of Mashhad, Iran.  The police have little interest in finding the killer since all of his victims are considered to be unclean women and therefore looked upon as being less than human.  In fact, what the Spider Killer is doing is seen by the general population as a positive thing.  Enter female journalist Arezoo Rahimi who appears to be the luckiest news reporter in history because upon arriving Mashhad she, in a matter of days, somehow, in a city of over three and a half million people, locates this self-righteous lunatic.

HOLY SPIDER is an alright film.  The acting is above average, but the entire thing is just too light-weight and weak.  The story idea of a serial killer having free reign to do as he pleases in a large city that is being crushed down and oppressed by the religious government is fascinating and terrifying, but the film that ends up on the screen fails to relay any of that horror or conflict.  I wanted to see more of the inner workings of the city leaders who publicly act like they care, but secretly support the murderer cleansing their streets of women who dare to walk “on the streets of this holy city, chewing gum” and “wearing short coats”.  Instead, we get various random scenes of the monster hanging out with his family and friends who love him despite the fact that he has the personality of an iceberg.

HOLY SPIDER is a good film that creates a lot of food for thought, but it could have been much better.

BORDER (2018)

"The entire human race is a disease..."

Swedish Customs officer Tina lives an empty life.  Her job seems to be nothing more than a glorified drug dog (sniffing passengers as they get off a ferry), her elderly father lives in a nursing home and disapproves of her living with the listless Roland who appears taking advantage of Tina for a free place to crash.  Even worse than all of that is Tina suffers from a chromosomal abnormality that makes her look like a caveman.  Or does she?  Her life is turned upside-down one day when a passenger gets off the ferry and he looks a lot like her.  Tina’s life pretty much goes to shit after that.

I really enjoyed the basic idea of BORDER (by the way, that is a horrible name for this movie) and was super into for about 20 minutes, then the story slowly started drifting off into various paths that I found uninteresting and, while I still watched it, I began to lose interest.  Also, the character of Vore was such a grotesque and vile shitbag that I could barely even stand looking at that worthless shit stain.  Tina seemed to be a genuine and likeable character and then when she finally meets somebody of her own kind, the person is an absolute horror.  I didn’t care for that.  But, I guess, that is just life for you.

Up and down pace, beautiful camerawork, a few enhanced shots that were distracting, above average acting, some nudity that I didn’t want to see, interesting story that could have been much better, beautiful Swedish countryside, impressive lighting.  Overall, BORDER is an interesting film that would have been better off if it hadn’t pulled its punches.  Or just told a completely different story with the same character of Tina.  Still, it’s worth watching, just don’t expect too much.